Waddling Bison

Week 31 Weigh-in

2012-01-26T10:03:00.000-06:00

Sorry, forgot to log it this week.

Starting weight: 505.4 lbs
Week 31 Weight: 460.4 lbs
Week 31 Change: -1.0 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 45 lbs

==

Another loss, and keeping up the 2 lbs / week average. Hoping for another strong week. I've had a few less-than-stellar days this week, so the goal is to finish the week strong.

I'm sorry that I'm not very chatty lately. To be honest, I'm feeling a bit uneasy lately about the diet/fitness thing. I'm just not feeling especially confident lately--not that I'm having second thoughts about committing to do this, but rather that I don't trust myself to have the strength to persevere. And just saying "I'm gonna do it! I'm never giving up!" is a load of empty words. I'm tired of empty words.

It's funny (and perhaps fitting) that I find myself going back to the simple phrase that has kept me going in the past: Win the day.

You screwed up the diet yesterday? Let that go. Win the day.

You haven't gone to the gym in a week? Start over. Win the day.

Your sleeping habits are erratic, and you feel exhausted? Shake it off. Win the day.

I can't promise I'll hit all my fitness goals. I certainly want to reach my goal weight and live a healthy life well into my twilight years. But I'm feeling too weak to give you guarantees of that. So I'm just going to focus on winning the day.

Week 30: Back to Form

2012-01-17T13:35:00.000-06:00

Starting weight: 505.4 lbs
Week 30 Weight: 461.4 lbs
Week 30 Change: -3.0 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 44 lbs

===

Okay, this is much better.

Was a good week. Stuck to the plan for the most part, worked out a bit (not a lot, and not consistently), and mainly just didn't freak out. This is going to happen as long as I don't get all stressed out about it.

Don't have much to add. Just wanted to check in with my number.

Weight, Weight, Don't Tell Me...

2012-01-11T12:24:00.000-06:00

Know what's vital to proper food management and portion control? Knowing how much your food weighs.

Know what helps you do that? A scale. Not just any scale, though. Because I have a semi-cheap plastic scale with the moveable bar thing. What would be even more helpful is a digital scale...

...Like the one that Kenlie at All The Weigh is giving away! She's given away a body scale before. So it pays to read her blog.

What's that? You don't read All the Weigh or follow Kenlie at @alltheweigh on Twitter?

Well, you should.

(This blog post has been brought to you by a shameless attempt to earn bonus entries to a giveaway. I want this scale, y'all.)

Week 29: The Return of the WaddlingBison

2012-01-10T15:51:00.001-06:00

I said around Thanksgiving that I wanted to lose ten pounds by the New Year. Turns out, I had it backwards.

Starting weight: 505.4 lbs
Week 29 Weight: 464.4 lbs
Week 23-29 Change: +9.4 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 41 lbs

The thing about making excuses and exceptions for yourself is that once you start, you can't stop. It becomes easier and easier to allow yourself a cheat here, a cheat there.

And when you realize your weight is rising, it's easy to disappear from the internet and withdraw from accountability to others. Sorry about that.

I'm back. I'm not going anywhere.

And I'm about to go to the gym. See you later, kids!

Weeks 24 and 25: Step back.

2011-12-12T16:57:00.000-06:00

Have I been hiding? Yes, a bit. But I know I can't hide forever, so here's my post.

In Week 24, I backslid and gained 1.4 pounds. And I was frustrated. I was tired. There was a lot going on in my world. So I made a decision, wise or not, that for Week 25, I wasn't really going to point my food. I was going to focus on making good choices (or better bad choices, as Jaimie puts it) and not focus on the numbers.

Well, I made some good choices, some bad choices, and some better bad ones. And in the end, in Week 25, I lost 0.4 pounds. But rather than see this as a disappointment, I see it as a reassurance. Because what I was doing in Week 25 was seeing what "maintenance" would be like--the thing I'm going to do for the rest of my life once I hit my goal. And when that part of my life comes, I'll be able to do the same sorts of things: I'll have ice cream sundaes with family to celebrate my baby sister's birthday, but choose the smaller size. I'll be able to go out with friends, and grab a turkey burger or a chicken sandwich, and pass on the fries. I'll choose to eat lots of veggies, and ask questions about how food is prepared, and drink lots of water.

And I'll be successful. I believe that.

Unfortunately, Maintenance doesn't mean weight loss, and that's what i need right now. So I'm back on pointing.

...Mostly. See, yesterday was my dad's birthday. We went out. And while I won't confess all my gastronomical sins, I will say that I consumed almost a pound of steak. And, oh the pain! A good reminder of why I don't eat like that anymore. So needless to say, I'm relinquishing my "bonus bank" points this week, and trying to get in at least a few workouts around a busy schedule, to make up for it.

But that's the thing: those days, they're going to happen. Life happens. And rather than get all bent out of shape about it, I'm learning how to step back and realize I'm going to be okay.

I'm not happy with my weight, so I'm going to work to change it. It may not be as easy or fast as I had hoped, but it will happen. I want it to happen.

So there's my story, folks. 456. 49 pounds total. But I feel better, and I'm ready to keep moving forward.

Week 23 Weigh-in: In which I finally reach my first big weight goal after almost 6 months (and other stuff happened)

2011-11-28T09:55:00.000-06:00

Starting weight: 505.4 lbs
Week 23 Weight: 455.0 lbs
Week 23 Change: -1.8 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 50.4 lbs

===

That's right: I lost almost 2 pounds on Thanksgiving Week, and reached my 10% / 50-lb goal. That's Victory #1.

Victory #2: I finished the 10K at roughly 2 hours and 6 minutes--which for any half-serious competitor isn't great, but for me is about 15 minutes faster than my best time at that distance. That's the difference that the weight loss makes. And by Sunday, almost all the soreness was gone, so my recovery time is improving.

And now, it's back to work, and looking toward my next goal. Here's what I'd like to do: I'd like to get through Christmas and hit New Years at least 10 pounds lighter than I am now. That's about 2 pounds a week, which is a faster clip than I've been going at lately, but is really what I should be losing on a regular basis anyway. Besides, this is the hardest time of year for me, food-wise, since I'm a candy/baked-goods addict.

So that's the prize I'm looking at right now: less than 445 by January 2.

Who's with me? Wanna try to lose 10 pounds over the holidays? Let me know in the comments.

Waddle on, friends.

Week 22 Weigh-in

2011-11-22T10:26:00.000-06:00

Starting weight: 505.4 lbs
Week 22 Weight: 456.8 lbs
Week 22 Change: +0.2 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 48.6 lbs

===

So yeah. There's that.

And now, Thanksgiving Week is upon us. *shudder*

Just kidding. I'm not too worried. Different approach, different mindset this year. Good things.

I'm still signed up for the 10K in two days. That, I'm a little more worried about. But hey. I'll go slow, pay attention to my body, and get through.

I know there are some of you that are incredibly frustrated with me. Maybe even think I'm hopeless, that I don't want to change. There's nothing that I can say that will change your opinion of me and what i'm doing, so i'm not going to bother. I just wanted to acknowledge that I know you're there. Thanks for hanging around anyway.

Happy Thanksgiving, kids. Make good choices. Win the (turkey) day. That's my goal, too.

Week 21 Weigh-in: Wait, what happened to Week 20?

2011-11-14T15:04:00.000-06:00

Starting weight: 505.4 lbs
Week 21 Weight: 456.6 lbs
Week 21 Change: -1.0 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 48.8 lbs

===

Little things can throw off the balance, and when the difference between success and failure is measured in ounces, these little things make a big difference.

Two days before the Week 20 weigh-in, I was showing about a half-pound loss. Not good, but a loss. Figured I could maybe pull another half-pound before I had to weigh in.

Over the next two days, I ate pretty well, but my diet included some salty foods. Apparently A LOT of salty foods.

On the scale, I was UP 5.2 pounds. And I could vouch for the fact that I didn't eat those extra calories in 2 days, so clearly the salt (I came to realize later) was a big deal.

But it was a blow. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't lose my composure on the scale.

And I started to skid. Made some dumb food choices. This is something I'm doing a little more lately, which worries me. I'll have a rough day, and slip on a meal or two afterward. I'll "forget" to point. Emotional eating has always been an Achilles heel. Frankly, this is why the last 10 pounds has taken me more than 2 months. I'll have a meal (or a day) where I don't follow the plan. I give up a little, and then come back.

So. Got back on track, ate extra potassium, drank water, all that.

On Saturday, was down 6.2 pounds, for an effective 1 pound loss over two weeks. Again, disappointing. But at least it was in the right direction.

I'm 1.2 pounds away from my 50-lb/10% goal. It's about dadgum time, too.

That's all I've got to say for myself. Sorry for the radio silence. I figured I'd rather wait and have proof that the weight gain was truly chemistry-related, and not the result of binge eating. (Because that would have been what, an extra 18,000 calories? Daaaaaang.)

I'll hopefully have a celebratory post next week. Till then, waddle on.

Week 19 Weigh-in: Nothing much to report.

2011-11-02T17:09:00.000-05:00

Starting weight: 505.4 lbs
Week 19 Weight: 457.6 lbs
Week 19 Change: -1.4 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 47.8 lbs

===

Sorry for the late update. I really don't have that much to say about the weight loss. Glad it's still moving in the right direction. Wish it were moving faster.

But hey, here's something:

On Sunday afternoon, I walked/jogged the Monster Mash 5K for the third year in a row. No costume, sadly. But I was just happy to be out there. And without really training for it, being under-hydrated and sleep-deprived, I was still able to set a PR (personal record) of 59:42 for the distance. It's a pathetic time, but it's my best, so I'll take it. I even jogged for a minute or so in a couple of stretches during Miles 2 and 3. Never did that before either.

And that sub-60 time? Purely the difference in weight, which just blows me away. If I had properly trained, I might have been able to shave at least a few minutes off THAT time. This is the first race I've done in about 11 months, and just losing 35-40 pounds between then and now made a huge difference. I look forward to seeing how losing even more will help me going forward.

So. Positives all around. Trying to keep on the straight and narrow, diet-wise, which has been tricksy with Halloween. Basically, when I give in, I just have to count it all and make it work. Hopefully, my counts have been true and my body is able to cope with the sugar influx.

Non-Scale Victory: Not buying any discounted Halloween candy. Boom.

Have a good rest of your week, gang. Hopefully, the next post will be a milestone celebration. If not, well, then it'll be the next one. I'm in it for the long haul, remember?

Week 18 Weigh-in: War of Attrition

2011-10-24T10:12:00.000-05:00

Starting weight: 505.4 lbs
Week 18 Weight: 459.0 lbs
Week 18 Change: -1.0 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 46.4 lbs

===

In 4 1/2 months, i've lost 46.4 pounds. That averages out to about 10 pounds a month, give or take. (2.57 pounds a week. 0.368 pounds a day.) Which, honestly, is not terrible, because if I kept at this pace overall, I'd hit goal weight at just over 2 years from starting the program, which is about what I was hoping for. I guess I knew that there would be stretches where it would slow down.

But that's just overall loss. Let's look at recent weeks.

In the last 10 weeks, I've only lost 18.8 pounds (an average of 1.88 pounds a week, or 0.269 pounds a day). The line on the graph is flattening a bit (ironically, as I am not flattening as much).

In the last 4 weeks, I've lost 4 pounds. Like this week, I've averaged 1 pound a week.

What's the point of bringing this up, Dave? Just to beat yourself up?

Okay, maybe, in part. Also to say this:

I'm still moving forward. I'm looking for ways to improve, to pick up speed; but the fact is, I'm still moving forward.

I went to the gym twice last week. I'm looking forward to working out two or three times this week. I have a 5K that I'm walking next Sunday. I'm going back to basics with the Weight Watchers plan--trying to follow the Good Health Guidelines they set up for working the plan properly.

It's a long road ahead. It's a hard road. And I'm still on it. The battle is to find out which is more stubborn: my mind or my overweight body. And right now, i'm telling you, I think my mind is.

See you next week.

"If your body is a temple like God says it is, and you believe Him--then prove it."

2011-10-20T10:02:00.001-05:00

I'm pretty sure I'm going to watch this one a LOT.

Week 17 Weigh-in: Birthday Blues

2011-10-19T10:49:00.000-05:00

Starting weight: 505.4 lbs
Week 17 Weight: 460.0 lbs (again)
Week 17 Change: 0 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 45.4 lbs

===

So it was my birthday week. I was hoping for a big week, possibly hitting my 50 lb / 10% mark.

But as we all know, hoping doesn't accomplish anything. And I did little more than hope. I didn't plan, and I certainly didn't work any harder. So no change. But on the plus side, no gains, either. And I had a birthday dinner the night before my weigh-in (complete with birthday cupcake), so not gaining anything was a blessing as well.

I need to exercise. This is clear. My food tracking is still a little inconsistent, and exercising more can more than make up for that. Plus, I'll feel better. I went to the gym yesterday, and though I was a little nervous at first, once I got started I was fine. In fact, after 30 minutes on the elliptical, I felt good. This needs to be a regular thing.

I got new running shoes. New shoes always seem to make workouts better. (Look, i know that's stupid, but humor me this week, okay?)

Anyway, the mid-week sneak-peeks at the scale are showing a downward trend, so I'm expecting a decent-to-good number on Saturday. And I'm going to hit the gym at least one or two more times between now and then. So yeah. Good things.

Have a good week, friends.

Week 15 and 16 Weigh-Ins: Keep moving forward.

2011-10-08T13:18:00.000-05:00

Starting weight: 505.4 lbs
Week 15 Weight: 461.8 lbs
Week 15 Change: -1.2 lbs
Week 16 Weight: 460.0 lbs
Week 16 Change: -1.8 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 45.4 lbs

===

Before we proceed, a motivational video:

I love that clip. And yes, it motivates me.

Sorry about the no-post last week. My folks have been out of town, and I've been house-sitting/sister-wrangling for the last week. While I've had full access to the internet, my mind hasn't been on this.

To be honest, my head's been wrong all week. I've been off balance, out of my element, whatever you want to call it. Haven't been able to weigh myself, because my family's scale is a standard scale with too low of a max weight. Plus, there's all this food in their house that I purposefully don't keep in mine. Trigger foods. Add to this all sorts of stress triggers. Work stress. Family stress. A bit of ministry stress. Single, 30yr. old, brotha-needs-to-finda-wife stress. (I guess people just call all this "life," right?)

Oh, plus the fact that my bank card number was stolen and almost used to charge up hundreds of dollars in hotel reservations. And also, because of a mistake on my part (not using the electric company's website properly two weeks ago when i tried to pay my bill), my bill went unpaid and my apartment power was turned off this week, which means all the food in my fridge will need to be thrown out.

So posting a loss this week is a blessing. That's what I'm going to keep telling myself. I'm frustrated that, before today, I've had a net loss of about 5 lbs in the last month. I'm irritated that my self-control seems to be degrading, and that snacks and sodas that I could resist so easily in the early months, I've started succumbing to lately. I'm aggravated that, even though I signed up for the Halloween 5K in August, I only started training for it THIS WEEK.

I'm disappointed in myself, in general, is the bottom line. So I'm left with two options: give up, or keep moving forward.

I think you know what I'm picking.

It's time to go back to the mantra that I had early this year, but somehow lost along the way: Win the Day.

That's all I've got. That's all I can fix. I can't make up for past mistakes, and mere worry can't prevent future ones. All I have is today. And today, I'm going to win.

Have a good week, friends. Pray for me, if you are one who prays. Shoot me a text or email, if you like. Remind me to win the day. Thanks.

Week 14 Weigh-in: New Threads

2011-09-26T10:05:00.001-05:00

Starting weight: 505.4 lbs
Week 14 Weight: 463.0 lbs
Week 14 Change: -3.6 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 42.2 lbs

===

Progress. Slow. Occasionally hampered by a step backward. But progress. This is good. I'm two "good" weeks from the 50-pound mark, which will be a 10% milestone. Looking forward to that.

===

I went clothes shopping this weekend. And because I am useless when it comes to choosing things that look good--seriously, I have almost zero fashion sense--my mom and sisters came along. (Partly because they're getting me some new duds for my upcoming birthday, so we picked out some items that I'll be "surprised" by then.)

[EDIT: I had originally written about the shopping experience, playing up the somewhat awkward elements of going clothes-shopping with my mom and sisters. I was going for embarrassing-funny, and maybe it was. But it was at the expense of my family, and went too far. The fact of the matter is, I dearly love my family. Even when they accidentally embarrass me in public. And frankly, writing something moderately funny about it for this website is nowhere near worth the cost of possibly hurting their feelings if they read it. So. Sorry. Carry on.]

But the real silver lining in this, aside from some new clothes coming down the pike? I'm comfortably down a jeans size. Which is nice. Something to celebrate.

Maybe once i get the new duds, I'll post a picture or something. Who knows.

Week 13 Weigh-in: Things I don't want to post.

2011-09-19T08:52:00.000-05:00

Starting weight: 505.4 lbs
Week 13 Weight: 466.4 lbs
Week 13 Change: +1.4 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 38.8 lbs

===

No excuses. I'm not sure, but I might have fudged my numbers at some point. Not counted a soda or an extra cookie. Not enough to make up roughly 5,000 calories, but enough to where I can't say in good conscience that I did everything I was supposed to.

I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at the scale.

So this week is going to be different.

That's all. See you later.

Week 12 Weight Loss

2011-09-12T10:00:00.000-05:00

Starting weight: 505.4 lbs
Week 12 Weight: 465.2 lbs
Week 12 Change: -2.4 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 40.2 lbs

===

Forty pounds, y'all. Forty pounds. In three months. I'm a believer in this program.

I think what's helped lately is I'm noticing patterns and behaviors a little better, and when I hit trouble, I look to diagnose and fix the issue rather than throw up my hands in despair and hit the drive-thru.

I was asked recently if I'm really making lifestyle changes. And the answer (which I gave a little defensively, I admit) is yes. There are definitely things I used to do that I don't do now. Things I never used to think about that I do think about. I'm more careful. I'm more mindful.

Are things perfect? No. I'm still sort of undisciplined with food choices, though I'm becoming much more disciplined about writing down real numbers and actual portion sizes. Do I still grab a Dr. Pepper refill on my Diet Coke once in a while? Yes. I really need to stop, but I guess I haven't been willing to thusfar. Do I still eat fast food? Yes, though I have been seriously trying to limit my fast food intake. And the time when I struggle the most with the drive-thru temptation? Not late night--breakfast. Mornings seem to be tough for me. I'm always running behind, and the convenience of drive-thru (with its giant Diet Cokes) is always tempting.

I stopped going to McDonald's on December 21st of last year. But I replaced it with Whataburger and Burger King. When I "banned" them as well on April 1st, Jack in the Box and Sonic stepped up to take their places. As of last Friday, Jack and Sonic were put on my "no-buy" list. And I can already tell that Taco Cabana is waiting in the wings.

But I'm learning. And it's getting better.

I'm hoping, over the next 3 months, to totally wean myself off of sugary soft drinks and drive-thru breakfasts. That would be fantastic. I'm also hoping to start exercising more and more regularly. (Or just start exercising, period.)

And I know "hoping" is not going to get me there. I need to plan, decide, and execute in order to have success. But I guess I'm not ready to commit to that yet. The readiness will come, though; I'm sure of it.

In the meantime, I'll just keep being careful about my choices, honest about my points, and hopeful about my progress. And because the plan works, I'll keep losing.

I'm less than 10 pounds from my 50 lb. milestone. That will be a good one.

Waddle on, thunderin' herd.

Week 11 Weight Loss

2011-09-07T15:21:00.000-05:00

Starting weight: 505.4 lbs
Week 11 Weight: 467.6 lbs
Week 11 Change: -0.4 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 37.8 lbs

====

Quick update, and sorry for the lateness of it.

So last week, I don't know why it happened, but on Tuesday night I was just ravenous. (For some reason, this has happened more than once. What's up with Tuesday nights?) As such, I blew through not only my daily points, but all my weekly extra points. Plus 3 that i had to make up with "activity" (for which, i counted the walking bit of my commute that day--i normally don't count that). I knew I was in trouble, so the next 3 days, I was VERY careful with my food. (Why am I not always this careful with my food, you may ask? Because it drives me blinkin' bonkers, that's why.)

Finished the week, made it to the scale, posted a loss. Even the loss of roughly half a pound is better than a gain. No ground lost.

In the past, after a blowout day like Tuesday, I would have chucked the week, and then eventually chucked the program. It's not happening again. I believe in this process, and I will reach my goal.

This week... well, I've been over my dailies every day this week, but not enough in total to get me in trouble. So I'm still functioning within the guidelines. I just have to be careful.

Thanks for your comments. I appreciate the support.

Have a good week, folks.

Week 10 Weight Loss

2011-08-29T13:40:00.000-05:00

Starting weight: 505.4 lbs
Week 9 Weight: 468.0 lbs
Week 9 Change: -6.2 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 37.4 lbs

===

Wow. When I saw the number that the lady at the meeting wrote on my card, I said, "Wait--really??"

And how did I celebrate this mondo loss? But eating like a machine last night. Grrr. (Don't worry, I pointed everything.)

So yeah, 12 1/2 pounds away from the 50 lb / 10% landmark. Looking forward to crossing that line and keeping it going.

Tomorrow starts my C25K. I'm a little nervous, because i don't like "programs." But it's worth it to get to the goal of finishing a 5K in under an hour. And also being able to walk from my parking lot 1/4 mile to my building without sucking wind.

The danger of starting a workout regimen? In the past, I've fallen into the habit of overcompensating with food. So I'd "eat" all the progress I was making and calories I was burning in the gym. Gotta keep a close eye on that, starting this week.

Okay, guess that's all I got today. Have a good week, gang.

Week 9 Weight Loss

2011-08-22T10:02:00.000-05:00

Starting weight: 505.4 lbs
Week 9 Weight: 474.2 lbs
Week 9 Change: -3.6 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 31.2 lbs

=====

Back on track. I'm eating more frozen lunches, but I'm still not cooking regularly. Hopefully this week (now that i have hot water), I can start doing that too.

I'm going to start Couch-to-5K next week, so this week, it's all about apartment set-up. But I'm looking forward to getting back on the road.

Week 8 Weigh-in: Take a Breath.

2011-08-15T09:47:00.000-05:00

Starting weight: 505.4 lbs
Week 8 Weight: 477.8 lbs
Week 8 Change: +1 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 27.6 lbs

===

I had premonitions. My scale at home doesn't come up with the same weight as the meeting scale. But I noticed that it still wasn't moving in the right direction. I told myself that it would be fine, it would all work itself out.

One pound gain.

There are worse things. There are worse weeks. But I'm still disappointed, because this puts me a week further away from my goal.

I told my meeting leader, who gave me a comforting handshake and encouraged me to not get down about it. I told him I almost didn't want to eat breakfast, out of guilt, but I knew that would only sabotage me in the end, because i'd overeat at lunch.

So later that morning, as I finished breakfast and sat and moped, I realized I could either feel sorry for myself, or do something productive. So I went and got all my groceries for the week, and stocked my fridge with healthy food. Then I went to church and volunteered, handing out school supplies to needy students and families.

Moping over. I'm back on track.

What happened? I wasn't tracking closely. Snacking is always the hard thing for me, and I would let some things go. Also, and this is a bigger issue, I'm still struggling with my one vice: regular soda. When I was out and about, I'd fill my cup with Diet Coke, and then with Dr. Pepper. I justified it in my mind, but didn't count it against my point totals. "What's wrong with you? Just cut that stuff out cold turkey!" I can hear the chorus of exasperated voices already. Fine. I get that. (Funny, but several of these voices have no problem tying a few on at happy hour, and then rag me for what I drink. Calories are calories, kiddies.)

So this week, I'm getting back to basics. Point everything. Drink water. Avoid all sugared soda. Be more active.

And next week, I'm hoping for a 4-5 pound bounce.

Week 7 Weight Loss

2011-08-08T10:38:00.000-05:00

Starting weight: 505.4 lbs
Week 7 Weight: 476.8 lbs
Week 7 Change: -3.2 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 28.6 lbs

Another good week. The high level of physical activity during the moving process definitely helped offset a week of not cooking at home (my kitchen is still in boxes, i'm ashamed to say).

Hopefully this week, as I get the kitchen set up and am able to cook again, I'll regain some control of my pocketbook and my diet. But God is gracious, and I'm still losing weight.

Hope you're all doing well. Feel free to leave a comment and say hi, okay?

Week 6 Weight Loss

2011-08-03T10:47:00.000-05:00

Starting weight: 505.4 lbs
Week 6 Weight: 480.0 lbs
Week 6 Change: -2.8 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 25.4 lbs

===

That's right. It's #25LbChip time! Six weeks, good success, some ups and downs, but I'm pressing on.

This weekend was spend moving to a new apartment, so I had to eat out A LOT. This probably means I consumed a lot of salt, so next week may not be as impressive. But I've been trying to make good choices (or better bad choices, thanks, Jaimie!), and I'm not too worried about it. Back to normal life (even if most of the apartment is still boxed up), and back to pointing today (really, yesterday).

I'll try to blog more than the weekly weigh-in, but I definitely want to do at least that each week. We'll see. No promises, other than that I won't give up on this.

Week 5 Weight Loss

2011-07-25T08:18:00.001-05:00

Starting weight: 505.4 lbs
Week 5 Weight: 482.8 lbs
Week 5 Change: -3.8 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 22.6 lbs

Can't really talk much because I'm about to have a brutal week. Much too busy, much too stressed. My prayer is that the work and labor and stress of job+preaching+moving will keep my appetite down, keep me under my Points, and burn off a lot of calories.

Or, it could completely freak out my endocrine system, and--combined with little-to-no sleep--leave me with no progress by next weekend.

Let's hope for that first thing.

Thanks for the encouragements; I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. (Except I just did. But yeah, thank you.)

Next week, Lord-willing, I'll post another loss, and have time to talk about my least favorite thing in the gym.

Week 4 Weight Loss

2011-07-18T11:01:00.000-05:00

Starting weight: 505.4 lbs
Week 4 Weight: 486.6 lbs
Week 3 Change: -1.6 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 18.8 lbs

Less than I would have liked. Reassessing what I did in the last week. I think part of it is that a lot of my food intake was processed food--so higher in salt than previous weeks. Also, I used every one of my available points, and some of my activity points, because I worked out with a trainer twice and that ramped up my hunger.

I'm hoping with proper hydration, less processed food, and a little more vigilance I should be able to get back the losses I "gave up" in this last week. Plus, my mom challenged me to go a week without using any of my "bonus points" (the weekly bank we're allowed to use). (Two days in, so far so good.) I've taken her up on it. So I'm hoping for a gangbusters weigh-in on Saturday.

Week 3 Weight Loss

2011-07-09T12:12:00.000-05:00

I'll have a video post later today, but let's get the business out of the way now:

Starting weight: 505.4 lbs
Week 3 Weight: 488.2 lbs
Week 3 Change: -4.2 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 17.2 lbs

Boom. I like this. Progress is awesome.

Week 2 Weight Loss

2011-07-05T11:58:00.000-05:00

CLARIFICATION: Okay, so here's the deal...

I have a scale at home, which I use to weigh-in in the middle of the week and get an idea of how i'm doing. It's in the bathroom, so I can do the morning, pre-or-post-shower weight.

So for the last two weigh-ins, I've posted my at-home, unofficial numbers.

Problem is, my Weight Watchers weigh-ins are obviously clothed. Plus, the first week, I was wearing jeans. Heavy fabric=artificial weight loss if i wear something else. During Week 2, I was wearing cargo shorts of a lighter material. (To avoid this in the future, I'm going to be wearing essentially the same outfit to my WW weigh-ins from now on--tee-shirt and those same [or similar] shorts.)

SO. My home weights are slightly different than my WW meeting weights. This has become confusing to keep up with and report, so I'm going to just give you my WW weights from now on, and we'll just assume the truth is within a pound up or down of that number.

The point is consistency. That's why I'm picking one weigh-in and sticking with it, on this blog. So I'm hereby going back and revising my previous numbers so that it's all consistent.

We all on the same page now? Cool. On to the update:

===

Starting WW meeting weight: 505.4 lbs
Week 1 Weight: 495.4 lbs
Week 2 Weight: 492.4 lbs
Week 2 Change: -3 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 13 lbs

This week was trickier. I used up all my daily and weekly points, and went a touch over that, even. Also, my body is struggling to adjust to the change in food type and quality. I won't discuss further, but will simply say, I'm still adjusting. That said, I was very pleased to show any loss, and frankly worried that the number i put up was wrong. I wonder if maybe I was leaning forward without realizing it, which would throw off the scale just a bit.

But i'm learning to just trust the process, and trust the numbers. As long as they keep going in the right direction, i'm fine.

Still haven't started up with the gym. That reminds me, I need to email them. I was supposed to get a training schedule last week, and it never came.

Okay, that's it. I may check in later in the week. Who knows, I may even knock out a video blog.

Have a good week, remember to drink plenty of water and consume the right amount of healthy oils (your GI system will thank you!), and Waddle On, You Thunderin' Herd.

Week 1 Weight Loss

2011-06-27T16:31:00.000-05:00

Starting Weight: 504.0 pounds
Week 2 Weight: 495.6 pounds
Week 1 Weight Loss: 8.4 pounds

Solid start. I'm using all my points, and haven't really started ramping up exercise yet. (That comes this week, with my new trainer at the gym downstairs). So yeah. Boom.

Week 1, Day 7: Reset

2011-06-24T15:31:00.001-05:00

Happy Summer, friends.

Let me summarize what's been going on with me.

I quit on myself again, and gained back all the weight. I used the excuse of an injury to stop exercising and eat garbage, and ended up gaining back everything I'd lost in the first half of the year. And a little extra.

I reached a point where I really started FEELING the weight. I noticed how my energy really started tanking. How out of breath the five-minute walk from the parking lot to the office made me. How gross I felt after meals. My blood pressure was getting worse (I could tell by how my ankles would swell). And I realized that I was starting to fall apart more precipitously.

At this point, something awesome happened: my mom joined Weight Watchers.

If you don't know my amazing mother, I'll just say this: she's in a similar boat that I'm in, though not to the extreme I am. She also has diabetes. And while she's paid lip-service to how she needs to take care of herself (sound like anyone you know?), she hasn't really done so.

Then suddenly, she told me that she joined WW and was going to the meetings. She said I needed to do the same. I needed accountability.

And the fact was, I knew she was right. I was tired of fighting the truth: I needed to do something to save my life.

So, a mere 3 months after logging off of WW for the last time, I found myself walking into a WW meeting on a Saturday morning.

It's funny. I felt totally self-conscious, almost embarrassed, as i was getting registered. Me, the guy who talks in front of people every week. The guy who has blogged his guts and blood and bones out for almost 8 years. I think I know why it was harder this time. Before, I would say "yeah, I need to do this or that," and then try my hardest to do it myself. But walking into that Methodist church, sitting down in that Sunday-school-classroom-turned-WW-meeting-room, I wasn't just saying, "I need to do this or that."

I was saying, "I can't do it. Please help me." And that's really hard for me to do.

The meeting was painless. The perky instructor actually asked me to share about how i needed accountability, so I did, finally getting my comfort level back. Maybe being inside a church helped. I'm one of those rare breeds for whom church is actually a safe place.

I shared, and she gave me a blue "Bravo!" sticker (for non-weight victories) that I got to put in my little weigh-in book. It's a silly and small thing, but it's important. I see that now, days later.

So for a week, i've been on the plan. I've gone over my daily points, but not too far. The WW system is to give you a daily target and a weekly bonus bank (these are not the exact terms, but whatever). So if you splash over your daily point total, you cash in some of those extra points. The idea is to use all your dailies and as many of your weeklies as you want, up to the limit. Some people save their bank for one day out of the week, so they can just blow it out. Me, i'm still getting used to the new point system, so I'm using the weekly points to course-correct.

It's the last day of the week. I have just enough daily points and leftover bank points to have a good dinner and maybe a WW ice cream bar at home.

And if my mid-week weigh-ins are any indication, I'm gonna have a good number tomorrow morning.

So that's where we stand, up to today. Back on a plan, with human accountability in place (meeting, and mom). I get to cheer my mom on as she fights to get healthy, and because she's really doing it now, meals with the family won't be "sabotage moments" like they used to. I'm very hopeful about this.

And honestly, I feel like I really have turned a corner. This feels different.

Oh! Before I forget:
Starting Weight: 504.0 pounds

===

Two quick notes from today.

1) Went in to the fitness facility here in my building and met with a trainer. We talked through my goals, what i'm used to, what I need to be taught, and we are going to put together a training plan. Then I'm going to meet with a trainer a few times a week, doing weights and cardio, so I can get stronger and boost my weight-loss. I'm excited about this. The only thing i'm worried about? The girl is too nice. I'm hoping she turns into Jillian when we get to work next week.

2) Without realizing it, I had restarted my old WW account, rather than getting a new one. Old account, with the account history. The yo-yo weight graph. The old goals. I pulled up the data and clicked on "reset weigh-in history." A caution message popped up, asking me if I was sure that I wanted to delete all previous data and start over. I pulled up the three pages of weigh-in's, dating back to January 2006. I printed a copy to keep in a file, and then pressed "yes." In a moment, the past was gone. The dialog box popped up, asking me for new starting weigh-in total and date, and new goals.

Things are different. I really believe that. A reset seemed like a good idea.

And I'm feeling good.

Week 14, Day 3: My (free) Fitness Pal

2011-04-13T09:04:00.004-05:00

Previous weight: 495.6 pounds
This week's weight: 494.6 pounds
Loss: 1 pound

Another week of fluctuations, in which I got up into the high-nineties before coming back down. I won't even count this as an official weigh-in, since it's been nine days, not 7. (My Monday weight was higher.)

===

Quick hits:
--I hate this boot.
--I downloaded My Fitness Pal onto my iPod. Easy way to track calories. Larger database than WW. And free. Booyah.
--I'm also ending my five-year relationship with WW. I'm ending it 20 pounds heavier than when I started. That's a drag. While the online-only format was useful for a while, I didn't have the commitment to stick with it long-term.
--Not that using an iPod app provides any greater level of accountability or commitment. I'm just not going to be paying $17 a month for the privilege of ignoring it half the time.
--Going to contact the Wellness office at work today to set up an appointment with a nutritionist. (Why on earth have I not taken advantage of this free service before?)

That's all I've got. Have a good week, folks.

Week 13 Weigh-in: Just Trying to Get Back into the Swing of This.

2011-04-04T14:19:00.002-05:00

Week 13 Weight: 495.6 pounds.

Four pounds gained over the last three weeks or so. I'm glad it's not more. But that means I'm down to a net loss of 8.4 pounds since January 3. Three months of back-and-forth. I'm trying to spin it in my head as "a sustained loss," but it's a slide backwards.

I'm in a tricksy headspace right now. Yesterday, in response to some personal frustrations, I totally emo-scarffed a DQ Reese's PBCup blizzard. Blatant self-medication. Then I sat in my apartment and watched several hours of Mad Men and just tuned out of the world for a bit.

It's all connected. The weight-loss struggle/surrender affects the mental and emotional state. Which increases the stress level. Which triggers the unhealthy coping mechanisms. Which sabotage the weight-loss efforts. Ad nauseum, ad infinitum.

I'm making an appointment with the therapist/counsellor guy i used to see. He's really good at asking me the questions i'm not asking myself. That helps, especially in times like this when i'm so twisted around the axle mentally that I don't even know how to begin fixing what's obviously out of whack.

Foot Update: Been wearing a medical boot for the past five days to immobilize my foot/ankle so that the tendon inflammation can go down. Foot feels better. Calf hurts mightily. Will be wearing the boot until Easter, at which time, as stated previously, I'm definitely signing up for some sort of personal training/coaching to get the exercise thing going.

Okay, that's it, back to work.

Stopping the skid

2011-03-29T10:23:00.000-05:00

He drives with confidence

upshifting and downshifting

like a professional driver in a closed course

leaving a cloud of dust and a sportscar logo

in his wake

until he is distracted

second-guesses himself

overcorrects

and hits an unseen gravel patch

the mountain road he so expertly manuevered

becomes a terrifying track

as he struggles to regain traction

overcorrects

second-guesses himself

and for a moment

he takes his hands off the wheel

in panic

in surrender

but the moment passes

he regains composure

decides he will not give up

and let the force of physics drag him

over the edge and down to the valley floor

so he grits his teeth

grips the wheel

prays with the strained whispers

and unvoiced screams of a dying man

and tries to stop the skid

===

This is me, gripping the wheel and stopping the skid.

I don't have an official weight for you, but i think i gained back about half of what i lost.

I let a lingering foot injury and my own poor reactions to external stressors determine my actions, so I haven't been to the gym in weeks. I'll be there tomorrow morning at six.

Official weigh-in back on, on Monday.

Over Easter weekend, I'll be committing to a trainer/nutritionist. I need professional coaching if I'm going to succeed in these early stages of the journey back. I'm currently looking at my options. If you have suggestions, comment or email.

Day 1: Going back to basics. I need to win today.

Week 10, Day 2 Weigh-in

2011-03-17T10:20:00.002-05:00

Week 10 Results
Starting Weight: 504.0 pounds
Previous Weight: 491.0 pounds
Current Weight: 491.6 pounds
Weight Change: +0.6 pounds
Total Weight Loss: 12.4 pounds

===

I've got nothing to say for myself. In almost three months, i've only lost 12 frigging pounds. Which would be fine for someone with 30 or 40 pounds to lose, but not for someone who really nees to lose more than 250 pounds.

This makes me sick.

Week 9, Day 2 Weigh-in: Grrrrazing.

2011-03-08T09:39:00.003-06:00

Week 9 Results
Starting Weight: 504.0 pounds
Previous Weight: 490.2 pounds
Current Weight: 491.0 pounds
Weight Change: +0.8 pounds
Total Weight Loss: 13.0 pounds

===

Started out the week strong, then got side-tracked by:

Taking my sister out for Chinese and not making smart choices
Grazing on the little sweets and things available at a wedding
Not resisting the temptation of getting some ice cream

I've been really, really hungry lately. I need to accept hunger as normal, rather than go out of my way to avoid it.

Week 8, Day 1 Weigh-in: Better.

2011-02-28T09:14:00.002-06:00

Week 8 Results
Starting Weight: 504.0 pounds
Previous Weight: 494.6 pounds
Current Weight: 490.2 pounds
Weight Change: -4.4 pounds
Total Weight Loss: 13.8 pounds

===

This is better.

Week 7: Shame.

2011-02-22T17:20:00.002-06:00

Hey.

I've been avoiding you, because I fell off the wagon. Fell hard. I got caught up in personal stress and emotional unsteadiness, and true-to-form, I ate. I put away the food journal, and I just went off the tracks.

I even went to a pizza buffet. I know. I can't believe it myself.

I had a brief moment of clarity during the pizza romp, though. There, during Plate #2, I was scarfing a slice of meatlover's pizza when I heard a quiet voice in my head saying, "Dave, this is what's killing you. This right here. This is killing you."

I tried to ignore it, tried to keep enjoying the pizza, and the voice got louder.

"DAVE. THIS IS WHAT'S KILLING YOU."

"But I like it," I tried to argue. "It tastes good."

"Does it really?"

...And I realized--no. It tasted pretty awful. But I was mindlessly eating it because that's how I suppress pain and confusion and stress. That's how I medicate. The kick of the sugars hitting my bloodstream makes it all feel better, at least for a while.

I pushed the plate away, left the pizza parlour, and went off into the night.

But that didn't get me back on track. That took longer. That took human intervention.

I have a coworker whom I have treated poorly, because I always misinterpreted her attempts to show care as hatred. She refuses to baby me about anything, so I always saw her as an opponent or nemesis. But she's been a faithful friend, who's been honest and confrontational with me when others shied away.

Today, as I walked to my office door, she said, through the next doorway, "We need to talk."

Never a good thing. I always get that metallic adrenaline surge when i hear those words. So I went into her office, and she said, "You're not pointing your food, are you?"

No choice but to cop to it. No, I'm not.

We talked it out, and she begged me to get back on track. I needed that.

My pattern, friends, is to hide. To avoid people who hold me accountable. This is self-destructive, because I know I need this kind of support and challenge. But I run, because I'm afraid of letting people down and being a disappointment.

Don't let me run. If you care about me at all, don't let me hide.

If I don't post my weigh-in info each week, email me. Call me. Text me. Chase me down in public. Remind me that you won't stand by and let me hide in the shadows.

I hate writing this, because it honestly feels weak. But I am weak. I need help. Please help me.

Week 7 Weigh-in Results:
Starting Weight: 504.0 pounds
Previous Weight: 490.4 pounds
Current Weight: 494.6 pounds
Weight Change: +4.2 pounds
Total Weight Loss: 9.8 pounds

Week 5, Day 2 Weigh-in: Not Really Super.

2011-02-08T10:22:00.003-06:00

No change.

I had some momentum at my mid-week weigh-in, but I stumbled through the weekend, and ended up overdoing it on Saturday-Sunday. So.

No change. Still 490.4 (or .2, depending on how the scale is positioned). I'm trying to figure out how to place the scale properly, because my bathroom has slate floor (read: uneven), and where I place the scale affects what my weight reads. But I can't blame scale position for the lack of progress.

I've nailed down two big mistakes I keep making in my no-loss weeks:

1) Not filling out the food journal consistently. We've discussed this before.
2) Drinking calories.

Re: #2, last night after my Monday night Bible Study (a weekly commitment that seems to introduce more dangerous food into my apartment than anything else), I had a couple of two-liter bottles of full-cal soda in the fridge, one almost empty, the other more than half-full. I thought about leaving it, then pulled them out, dumped the almost empty one into the sink and opened the other one. Dr. Pepper--a big weakness of mine. I took one satisfied swig, may have even sighed audibly in satisfaction, then dumped the rest down the drain like an alcoholic trying to get clean. It can't be in my house. That's part of the reason I didn't lose any weight last week--I kept the soda in the house after Monday, and sucked it down throughout the week.

It's not just soda, though. Milk. Juice. I abuse these things, and consume liquid cals on a regular basis. A diet soda, with a Dr. Pepper refill here. A glass of milk to go with my peanut butter sandwich there. It's got to stop, because clearly it's not doing me any favors.

So let's try this for a week, kids: no-cal liquids only, with two exceptions: I have a low-cal Gatorade that I drink during workouts, because I sweat a lot and need to keep my salt levels right. And then I have a protein supplement drink after I work out. Beyond those? Water or no-cal soda only. No juices, no milk, and for goodness sake, no regular soda.

The more water I drink, the better i'll do, anyway.

I'll keep you posted.

Previous/Current Weight: 490.4 (+/-0.2) pounds.
Total Loss: 13.4 pounds

Dave's a Loser, Too: Post-Workout Blahs (a Waddling Bison After Dark pro...

2011-02-02T10:13:00.000-06:00

In which I talk about setting goals, feeling worn down, dealing with emotional lows, and not giving up.

My beard is very red.

I say "um," "uh," and "so" a LOT.

(Musical intro: "Basic Instructions" by Burlap to Cashmere)

Cutting the String

2011-01-31T12:43:00.005-06:00

I posted my new weight in the Weight Watchers counter thing, and it actually warned me that I'm losing weight too quickly. I mean, I understand that losing weight at alarming rates can have negative health effects, but really--I lost less than one percent of my body weight. I'll be okay.

I was looking at the website, and it has this progress graph. I reset it to show my progress from my first day with WW until now. Here's what I saw:
See, I joined WW in January of 2006. That's right, five years ago. I've been paying a membership fee for all this time, even the stretches where I didn't track anything. I considered that my "fat tax."

You can see there my very first "Week 2" weight. I lost ten pounds that first week. I ended up dipping down to just under 411 in July 2006, before bouncing back up. That's the lightest I've been in five years.

It's interesting, isn't it, to think about five years of your life. Struggles, victories, relationships gained and lost, lovers, enemies, apartments, houses, friends getting married, friends having babies, friends divorcing. Lots of time.

In that time, my weight, as you can see, has gone up and down. You can easily track the moments in which I recommitted to getting serious, and the times when I gave up and gave in. Little valleys, that eventually led to new peaks. Each of those little dips? About 10-15 pounds. I'd get serious, work hard, and then fade out. And get heavier. From January to July of 2006, I lost 61 pounds. Then gained it back. In January of 2007, I lost 15 pounds in three weeks, and then gained it all back. Over a month in the fall of that year, I lost about 25 pounds. Then gained it back. Over six months in 2009, I lost 25 pounds. Then gained it all back. (Incidentally, it turns out that when i started this latest trip on the weight-loss train, I was not my heaviest ever. In March of 2009, I actually logged a weight of 505. At least, that was my tracked number--who knows what my actual heaviest was.)

I am the living definition of a yo-yo dieter.

I'm sharing all this because I want you to see the pattern I'm seeing. I get a little success, and then stop trying. When I start putting the weight back on, I get frustrated and give up, and end up worse than when I started. I mean, look at that graph! That's bad news!

We've even seen it in me thus far this year, haven't we. First week: big loss. Second week: no loss. Third week: gain. And now, I'm almost at that magic 15-pound mark.

It's clear to me that I need accountability and I need to be called out by caring friends, so that I stop falling into these patterns. So I'm asking for help. I'm tired of being a yo-yo. Will you help me? Comment, email, text. Call me out on video if I start slacking off. Get my attention.

My goal weight, is about 3 full "squares" below that plotted line in that picture. Which means I need a lot more of these 4-pound weeks. I need to stay focused. I don't want to give up. I'm gonna do everything I can not to give up.

But I'm not going to be able to do this alone.

Week 4, Day 1 Weigh-in: Back on Track

2011-01-31T10:23:00.002-06:00

Okay, this feels better.

Starting Weight: 504.0 pounds
Previous Weight: 495.0 pounds
Current Weight: 490.6 pounds
Week 4 Change: -4.4 pounds
Total Loss: 13.4 pounds

Yeah, I feel much better about that. Heading in the right direction. Would have been a little more, but the diet went kind of sideways on Sunday. Back to it today.

Overall, I'm doing okay. My ankle's still giving me some trouble, so I'm going to try to get in to see a podiatrist next week and make sure nothing nasty is going on. But I've been getting to the gym, though not as often as I want to.

But it's a new dawn and a new day. So let's get to work.

And I do apologize for not getting a video out this week. Look for one in the next couple of days, hopefully.

Waddle on, friends.

Week 3, Day 2 Weigh-in: Let's Just Get This Over With.

2011-01-25T10:01:00.003-06:00

I gained a pound last week. Actually, i gained a little more than a pound.

No excuse, no blame. I'm mad at myself.

I know what went wrong. When I started upping my workouts, I fell into the trap of upping my food intake to (over)compensate, because i was hungrier more often. Also, my pledge to recommit to the food journal didn't last long.

Lesson: Working out makes you hungry. Don't overeat and nullify its benefits.

And KEEP. THE. FREAKING. FOOD. JOURNAL. Don't be an idiot like me.

===

So I'm going to take my own advice, and just focus on winning today.

I'll post something in video form later in the week.

Starting Weight: 504.0 pounds
Previous Weight: 493.8 pounds
Current Weight: 495.0 pounds
Week 3 Change: +1.2 pounds
Total Loss: 9.0 pounds

Dave's A Loser, Too: Week 2 Weigh-in Frustration (Vlog 4)

2011-01-18T15:22:00.000-06:00

Heres ya go.

Week 3, Day 1: Weigh-in Frustration

2011-01-18T14:35:00.002-06:00

So remember when I said I wasn't gonna back down after a strong first week? Yeah. I backed down. But I realize where my big mistakes were. I'll talk about that in the upcoming video. In the meantime, here are my frustrating weigh-in results:

Starting Weight: 504.0 pounds
Previous Weight: 494.2 pounds
Current Weight: 493.8 pounds
Week 2 Change: -0.4 pounds
Total Loss: 10.2 pounds

Yes, you read that right--4/10 of a pound. What is that, 6-7 ounces? So basically, no change. No gain, yes, but I don't have time for no-gain weeks.

Okay, video forthcoming. Back to work.

Dave's A Loser, Too: Addressing the "Biggest Loser" Discussion (Vlog 3)

2011-01-12T13:45:00.000-06:00

A quick video addressing the "Biggest Loser" issue that Trevor brought up this week.

AND: I added a comment in Youtube to clarify this, but: About 2:45 into the video, I say that you can't wait for an outside savior to rescue you from being fat. And it's clear within the context that I'm talking specifically about weight loss and the tendency of people to look for outside fixers instead of trying to address their own issues. But this wasn't a theological statement, and I will be clarifying this in the future, so at least anyone following me on Youtube will hear a clearer statement about the "savior" question.

So, like, don't freak out on me and accuse me of apostasy, because that's obviously not what's being said. Thanks.

Dave's a Loser Too: Week 1 Results (Vlog 2)

2011-01-12T10:40:00.000-06:00

Week 2 video!!! And I look funny in a hat! Enjoy!

Week 2, Day 1: Weigh-in

2011-01-10T09:47:00.002-06:00

It's been an interesting week. It's definitely strange, getting back into the "write down everything, point everything" mindset. But it's very clear from the get-go that doing so makes you mindful of just what and how much you put in your body.

I will readily admit that I didn't write down every single thing, and had a couple of meals that went a little off the rails, but for the most part, i was militant. I'm ready to make war against this disease in me--not obesity, but laziness.

SO. Things are going well. God is good. (He'd be good even if things WEREN'T going well. I'm just sayin'.)

Okay, here's the number:

Starting Weight: 504.0 pounds
Week 2 Weight: 494.2 pounds
Weekly/Total Weight Loss: -9.8 pounds

Praise the Lord for that.

And how sad is it, with simply changing my diet (I've been sick so i haven't gotten back to the gym--will do so this week), I shed a tenner. It's like my body is so desperate to be healthy that it jumps on the chance to burn off the excess.

Okay, body. Imma help you out from now on.

Waddle on, thunderin' herd.

Dave's a Loser, Too (Vlog 1)

2011-01-05T10:52:00.000-06:00

That's right, we're hitting the Youtube airwaves. Now you get to see/hear what a loser i am! ;- )

Last night was hard. After a biggish dinner, I broke down and snacked an hour or so later. And by snacked, I mean, a bowl of cereal...followed an hour or two later by two PBJ sandwiches. (Is anyone surprised that i'm over 500 pounds?)

Before, this would have been devastating and disheartening. Now, it's just disappointing. Irritating. But it won't stop me from getting back on the horse.

OH--did you realize Subway's food has a TON of sodium? I mean, i figured, processed meat, no big shock there, but a TON. So yeah, I don't think I'll be going there very often.

Okay, gotta work. Catch you on the flipside, thunderin' herd.

Dave is a Loser, Too

2011-01-04T12:13:00.004-06:00

(Note: I may come back and update this blog with what's gone on in the past 8 months, but that will have to wait.)

Resolved: Okay, Trevor, I'm on board.

I've got my food journal going.

I'm back on Weight Watchers, and am back to logging points.

You other readers--are you ready to waddle on with me? 2011 is the year when the Gospel starts to change my life in a new way. My prayer is that, throughout this year, God will be glorified in my health, as much as He is in my obedience in other areas.

Short-term Goals: I want to lose at least 15 pounds a month for the first 3 months, and then 10 pounds a month after that until i reach my goal weight. And no more yo-yo weight changes. Sustainable weight loss. Consistency.

Current Status: I'm ashamed of this--but I'm now the heaviest I've ever been. After losing about ten pounds due to dehydration and sickness in Haiti, I've put on 30 in the last 4 months.

2011 Starting Weight, as of yesterday morning, January 3: 504.0 pounds.

Expect something visual soon. Pictures, maybe even a vlog if i can get the tech to work out right.

More soon.

We Run to Remember.

2010-04-27T16:53:00.006-05:00

I was a freshman in high school when the OKC Federal Building was bombed by a crazy guy with a truck full of fertilizer, at 9:01 A.M. on Wednesday, April 19, 1995. I was hundreds of miles away, in a classroom in Texas learning about, I don't know, probably geography with Mrs. Pfalz. By the time we moved on to English that morning, 168 lives had been snuffed out.

===

I got up at 4:20 a.m. on Sunday, April 25, 2010--early even for a raceday. My sister was still zonked out in the other bed. (Hampton Inn doesn't skimp on mattress quality, FYI.) She had agreed to take this road trip with me, a "gift" for her 21st birthday. She didn't know at the time that we'd be getting up this early.

We showered and dressed. I had intended to get some breakfast at 7-11 before heading toward downtown, but we didn't leave until after 5:30, so I didn't think we had time. After a few wrong turns, we got onto I-40 and joined the unusual (for the time of day) but unsurprising line of pre-dawn traffic exiting on Walker and heading north, into downtown Oklahoma City.

We parked in the parking garage and headed north on foot, covering the distance of about 10 blocks. There were searchlights swirling overhead, pointing toward the sky. We made our way toward them. Before getting to the memorial, we walked past the statue of the weeping Christ in front of St. Joseph's. My eyes got a little misty.

We crossed the street, walking along the side of the Memorial Museum. There was a chain-link fence erected, and there were countless notes, flowers, stuffed animals, and other personal trinkets tied to it. My eyes got a little more bleary.

My sister went on to find a place along the course, by the finish line. I waited with the other 5K runners on a side street. There was a fence ahead of us, separating us from the marathon, half-marathon, and marathon-relay folks, who would get a slightly earlier start than we would. Music blared from loudspeakers, followed by the announcer's calling of the final countdown (as in the act of counting down, not the awesome 80's track). Then the horn sounded, and the runners were off. And off. And off. And off. Ten minutes later, the last of the runners were still crossing the starting line. Meanwhile, the mob of people I found myself in the midst of were doing everything they could to brace against the 50-degree morning and its 25-mph winds. The loudspeakers were playing "Vertigo" by U2, followed by "I Gotta Feeling" by BEP. At the point of the song where the band starts jumping up and down in the video, no fewer than a dozen people around me started doing just that.

Finally, the fence was moved, the 5K walk-runners were allowed to approach the starting line, and then the horn sounded. I crossed the starting line at 6:50 a.m. Many weren't even out of the side street before we were on our way down the course. This was the largest crowd I've ever shared a course with (a total of 21,000, I heard later). I was pressed on every side. I had a nice even pace, and was still getting passed on both sides. It was thrilling. The sun was rising, and the sky was lightening to a soft blue.

Along the route, hanging from the side of every second or third streetlight, was a green triangular banner, point downward. The banners read, "Oklahoma City Memorial Marathon 10th Anniversary," followed by a name. 168 banners posted around downtown. I tried not to look at the names at first, but after a while, I made myself read each of them as I passed. I thought about their families and friends. I wiped my eyes periodically.

We walked down to the basketball arena and turned toward Bricktown. Underneath the overpass and into Bricktown, turning north at the ballpark. Then up the street that rose about fifty feet or more in elevation. Another turn east, away from the city, and another northward turn. I kept waiting for a mile marker to come up, and didn't see any. I started feeling a growing dread. My ankle was starting to wake up and complain, my back was a little tight, and I didn't know if I'd even made it to Mile #1 yet.

It was a great crowd. A nice mix of kids and adults of all ages and sizes. Everyone seemed to be having a great time. I only noticed a few people who looked like they were really struggling.

Another thing I noticed: the "in memory of" bibs. People wore an additional sign, the same size and shape as the race-bib, white with nothing but the words, "I run in memory of" and then the person's name. Some of them were personalized. "My nephew." "My cousin."

Finally, I saw a timer, and a sign. Mile 2! I then spent a few minutes trying to decide if the sign was signifying the end or the beginning of Mile 2. I reasoned that it wouldn't make sense to be the beginning of Mile 2, because there was no sign at the start declaring it to be "Mile 1." On the other hand, I may not have noticed it--logically, I didn't notice the "Mile 1" sign anyway.

[Nevermind the fact that I've participated in five races, three of them 5K's, and no one has ever posted a "Mile X" sign at the beginning of the mile, rather than the end. But logic starts to warp when you're walking 3 miles on an empty stomach at 6:50 in the morning.]

Finally, we made the final turn. I heard the crowd cheering. I saw that another course joined ours on the last stretch, divided by cones and ropes and flags. The "real" race shared our finish line--rather, we shared theirs. So I crossed the finish just a few seconds behind the third place half-marathoner, thank you very much.

One hour, ten minutes--a leisurely time, to be sure. I was just enjoying the walk, stopping periodically to take pictures with my phone (useless pictures, lousy camera-phone).

And the neat thing is, unlike so many other 5K events, OKCMM gives medals to every finisher, in every event. And they're pretty, too. (I got the blue one.)

(Above picture swiped from the OKC Marathon's FB page. Sorry, y'all, I couldn't find a better picture. Thanks for not suing me!)

The great thing about this race was that it wasn't about racing or times (though I know the finishers really did amazing). The overwhelming atmosphere was that this race is about the community celebrating life, remembering the fallen, and turning the tragedy into a motivation to be better people. That's what made this so much fun. And I'll definitely be back--no matter how early I have to wake up.

What now?

2010-02-24T15:14:00.003-06:00

It took me all of five days before I started looking at races again. I saw in an email that there's a marathon in OKC commemorating the victims of the OKC bombing. Sounds like fun. I have a lot of friends in OK, and could see some people. I tried to sneak a peek at the finisher's medal. That led to a little web-surfing, which led to this website. Oh boy.

I don't think of myself as a materialistic person, at least not in the "gotta go get this new thing immediately" sense (though Lord knows, I could stand to simplify my life quite a bit). I don't really covet things. But I coveted these medals. I craved them. I practically lusted after them. It was a little scary, man. ;- )

This got me thinking--Why am I doing all this? Why do I want to do another half so quickly, when my plan was to do this one, finish, then get healthier before I do the next? Why do I want to rush into it?

The first answer is, I want that medal. I've played team sports before, in high school mostly. I've never been a star athlete. I've never really been honored in any way for athletic achievement. But the finisher's medal--it's not elite, but it's something. There's an element of "I earned this!" that's very cool about it. But the thing is, there was something else driving the desire for a medal. Something darker. Pride. (Not "the kind that my mother has, but the kind in the Bible that turns you bad.")

I've realized that I soaked up all the attention I've gotten for this. I really drank it in. And I still want more. I want that medal and I want praise from dozens of my friends and family members.

There's a way to appreciate all these things that is appropriate and humble and good. I know there is. But in the past week and a half, I caught myself sliding past that point down into the depths of using a finisher's medal and the attention of those in my circle to find personal validation.

That's not the source of my validation. My worth, my purpose, my balance is found in Jesus Christ. I'm here on this spinnin' rock to make His name great, not my own. And running can be a part of that--as long as I don't co-opt my running to become an altar to the greatness of me.

That truth is a hard pill to swallow, kids. Because, like I've said before, these are all good things. The feeling of accomplishment, the feeling of cameraderie and family, the joy of activity and healthy pursuits. These are all gifts from God, and can and should be enjoyed as such.

The temptation, as it always is, is to take these good gifts from God and twist them into something that gives ME glory instead of Him. That's what I caught myself starting to do.

So I came to a decision, and I wanted to tell you about it.

For the rest of this year, I'm not going to participate in any race alone. I'm sharing these experiences with others.

Mi amigo Trevor has already agreed to take part in the OKC with me as part of a marathon relay team. We're looking for 3 more people to compete with us. When we celebrate the finish, it will be the joined celebration of friends accomplishing something together.

Any shorter races I do this summer, 5Ks or 10Ks, will be with other people, like my dad or my sister.

And hopefully, if I can register in time, I want to do another half-marathon in the fall, as part of Team WorldVision, or another such organization, so that my participation will be about bringing attention to a worthy cause, and particularly the work of God's church and God's people in the world.

And hopefully, through these experiences, I'll learn to appreciate running and racing in right proportion, and see past them to the gracious Father who gives us all good things.

===

So what now? Well, I have to tell you, I'm getting the itch to get back to the gym--which is something I've never thought I would say. I actually WANT TO work out. I want to jump on the elliptical and sweat out a half-hour or 45 minutes. I'm starting to make better food choices, eat cleaner foods, and get more sleep. It seems like the next logical step is to get back to pushing myself physically to accomplish more. Hopefully, as a result, I'll start shedding the 200+ pound fat-suit I've been carrying around for the last decade.

So I still need your encouragement, not to lose sight of my goals just because the first big race is past me. I love your comments. And I could use your prayers, as I start pursuing total health with a renewed vigor. So thanks for your support and friendship thusfar, and stick around, because this page will be my chronicle of the ups and downs of this crazy ride.

Have a great rest of your week. And waddle on, you thunderin' herd!

5 hours, 31 minutes...

2010-02-14T14:35:00.003-06:00

They say you don't sleep, the night before the big race. I guess "they" never slept on the heavenly bed at the Hampton Inn in Lake Jackson, TX. Seriously, most comfortable bed EVER. And I slept like a rock.

They say you should wake up when you wake up, even if it's early. I woke up at 3:30, and then went back to sleep for two hours.

But when 5:30 came around, I didn't want to get up. The bed was warm and didn't want to release me to the cold morning. But after hitting the alarm a few times, I finally got up and got ready.

Had breakfast with the folks in the hotel lobby. They were visible worried. It made me a little more nervous actually. I can't blame them at all--their nearly-quarter-ton son was about to go attempt a distance of 13.1 miles. My mother insisted that, if I felt I needed to stop, to prevent serious injury, I should do so--I wasn't there to impress them. I told her I understood. But it wasn't about them, not mainly. This has always been about me. What i needed to prove to myself.

Driving alone to the beach, I started panicking a little. What was I doing here? Why on earth did I sign up for this? Am I totally insane? The sky was starting to lighten up. Dawn, such as it was on this overcast, cold morning, was breaking.

I pulled into my parking space, walked up to the starting line and the tent, got my timing chip, and got in line. Talked to a Hispanic gentleman holding a large American flag. He's run 43 marathons. He carried the flag in most of them. I held the flag for him while he was in the portocan.

Met up with my friends John and Patrick, who signed up for this race with me. They introduced me to Cain, who was running with them. We shook out our cold limbs, jumped up and down. Stretched out. Waited. 15 minutes to go. I looked for my parents and couldn't find them. Stretched. The National anthem was sung. A prayer was prayed. I prayed. Then the countdown.

And we're off. I had my phone and keys with me, because i couldn't find my folks before the race to hand them off. I stuck them in the pockets of my hoodie. I was walking at a steady 3 mph pace, my comfort zone. Figured I wouldn't lose anything.

About a quarter mile in, I unzipped the hoodie to retie my sweatpants, and unwittingly lost my keys. I noticed this about five minutes later. I turned around, laughing to myself to keep from freaking out. After a couple minutes of walking backwards, scanning the ground, someone stopped me and said that a lady behind them had keys someone dropped. Retrieved my keys, and started heading the right direction again, trying to make up for lost time.

The first leg of the half was a down-and-back that totaled around 4 miles. The beach was pressed flat by the tide, strewn with rocks and shells and small debris, sand slightly rippled by the water. This made the surface a little easier on the joints, but uneven, so every step turned the surface of my soles a different angle. My ankles would be killing me by the time this was all over.

As I was still going "down" while almost all of the other runners were coming "back," I had a near-constant stream of "Yeah Dave! Keep it up! Looking great!" I had written "DAVE!" in bold letters on my shirt, for this reason. And once again, the running community proved how unbelievable nice they were. Throughout the entire race, I was being encouraged by other runners. Elites and novices alike. Everyone was supportive. That's the only way this thing works sometimes, for people like me. The feeling of cameraderie keeps you connected, makes you want to keep trying.

I hit the first turnaround, came back toward the start/finish line area. I cheered on the two or three who were still behind me, and charged ahead ("charged" at my prescribed pace, anyway). As I approached the tent area, I saw my friend Heather walking toward me. Four of my friends from church had driven down to cheer me on. Heather met me first, walked with me, checked up on me. She was an experienced runner, taking this season off, so she knew how i was feeling and what to ask. Then I saw Crissy, Leah, and Maranda with signs. Actually, I could hear them before i could see the signs. They were loud. It was great. They walked with me a little farther when my dad joined us for a few minutes. I saw my mom standing by the side of the "track." She encouraged me to keep going, told me I was doing great. My dad and the girls walked with me a ways farther as we passed the start/finished and continued up the beach, and then let me continue on alone.

After that, the miles started feeling much longer. I had ditched my coat and hat, stuck with a headband and just my yellow tech shirt and longsleeve cotton undershirt. I was getting warm, even under the cloudy canopy. And the miles continued to get longer and longer.

The girls showed up again around mile 6 1/2. Their enthusiasm was undimmed, even as my energy was starting to lag. They walked a bit and tried to cheer me up and keep me going. After a while though, I felt I needed to retreat into my head a bit. I asked them if it was okay if I listened to music, and they said yes, and then told me they'd see me later.

Miles 7 and 8 really took a toll on me. The water stops were few and far between, and in this second segment of the race, a four and a half mile stretch down the beach before a turnaround, it started getting lonely and disheartening. I still got encouraging words from other runners passing me on their way to the finish, but these runners were fighting their own personal battles. The strain was showing on their faces. I started cheering them on, because they needed it as much as I did. I saw Patrick and John and Cain pass me on their way to the end. A few runners cut 25 feet to their left to reach over and give me a high-five before moving back to continue on. But as the half-marathoners all passed me, there became fewer and fewer people on the beach. I started seeing the full-marathoners, fluid/fuel belts mostly emptied, straining and struggling.

The miles seemed infinite. I started cursing my foolhardy decision to do this stupid race. I mocked my own naive plans to do another one of these in the fall. I swore to myself I'd never sign up for a distance race again. My ankles and knees ached. My back tightened up. My stomach growled. My neck and shoulders ached. My feet seemed to turn into giant blisters. I finally approached the Mile 8 sign. Still no turnaround in sight. I prayed for strength. I listened to music. I realized that this, right here, was the furthest I'd ever gone in one setting. Every step past this was a victory. I thought that realization would be a motivator. Not really. I appreciated the personal milestone but was still five miles away from the finish line (and 4.5 miles from my car).

Finally, I saw a runner pass who looked at me and said, "The turnaround's just up ahead, you can do it!" And there it was. I was hoping there'd be a water table, maybe even a chair mercifully placed. Nope, just a couple of signs and an inverted "U" of cones. I made the left turn around the cones, bent over, gasped for air and stretched, and then started back.

Saw a girl in a green sweatshirt who had played "leapfrog" with me through the middle miles. I called out, "The turnaround's coming up, you can do it!" She replied, "I know, as soon as I saw you, i was relieved!" She would later pass me again and finish ahead of me. I was happy for her.

At some point during Mile 9, I realized I was actually doing this. I was 2/3 of the way through, less than 5 miles from finishing.

At Mile 10, I recognized that my "pace" had slowed to a trudge. I was starting to weave a bit to the left and right as I slowly progressed. Also, whenever I'm exhausted, I get hyperemotional (even for me). On my iPod shuffle, I loaded a bunch of songs that had to do with running, fighting, finishing, and not giving up. And as I heard certain lines or choruses, I started bursting into tears. I did my best not to gush, but I felt overwhelmed by the race, my hopes, the physical discomfort, and the thought of the finish line.

Even this song made me start to cry.

Halfway through Mile 10, I saw a familiar figure approaching me. My dad. I asked, "What are you doing here?" (I'm not sure why. I was really tired, and was feeling really alone, I guess.) He said, "I'm here to walk with you the rest of the way." I can't tell you how much that meant to me. My father, the man I want most to be proud of me in my life, walked 2.5 miles up the beach alone to meet me and walk with me the rest of the way. At one point, he turned to me and just said, "You're my hero, bud. You're really doing this." (Even as I type this, my eyes are filling.) As long as I live, this may be one of the best moments in my life.

John, Patrick, and Cain, who had already finished this race, came back and met us around Mile 11, and walked with us. At one point, I was hit with a wave of fatigue, turned to my dad, and chocked up. I said, "This is just really frigging hard." He nodded, "I know."

One we continued. Every 200 yards or so, I had to stop and bend down, stretching my back and hamstrings, dropping into a squat to bend my knees and ankles. I could see the white tent, but it keep sliding father and farther away, like a mirage. Suddenly, we passed the Mile 12 sign. Just over a mile to go! Cars were starting to pass, leaving the beach, but several rolled down their windows, and I recognized the same runners from earlier, sticking their heads out the windows and yelling, "Way to go Dave! You're doing it, man! You're a beast! Kick its butt!"

The last half-mile, the guys peeled away, and it was just my dad and I. Then he let me take the last 100 yards or so myself. I trudged, step after belaboured step, toward the "FINISH" banner. I had given my dad my iPod, so all I heard were the cheers of the girls from church, the guys, the PA announcer, dozens of strangers, my mom, my dad. I lifted up my arm and weakly slapped at the finish banner as I passed under it. And I was done.

I cried. Of course I did. Because I finished. The man who was afraid to let people down, and so was too often afraid to try. The man who felt imprisoned by his own body, a body of his own fearful making. I finished. Five hours and 31 minutes after I had started. I completed a half-marathon.

I thought that the most important word from this experience would be "finished." And it's obviously still important. But what I realize in retrospect, is that a more important word marks my first half-marathon: family. Because I didn't run this race alone. My mom, my dad, John, Patrick, Cain, Heather, Leah, Crissy, Maranda, Mr. Lugo and his American flag, the girl in the green hoodie, the countless runners of all skill levels who cheered me on during the race and congratulated me afterward, the dozens of friends who encouraged me, prayed for me, and cheered me on before and after this amazing Saturday. This great and glorious family. You. You all helped me do this. And I cannot, will not ever thank you enough for that.

===

What have I learned?

Maybe I couldn't have been ready for this race, but I know I should have been more prepared. I will not make that mistake again.

Because, yes, despite my exhausted vows never to sign up for another distance event, I'm going to do it again. Possibly in the fall. Definitely after I lose at least 80 pounds.

This type of challenge is not worth undertaking without support. So when I run another race, I'm counting on you to help me. To remind me to hit the gym or the track. To chide me when you see me eating junkfood. And to wish me well and pray for me when I suffer the temporary insanity of toe-ing another half-marathon starting line.

Finally, what I learned is that I can do this. I can set a crazy goal and achieve it. I can finish a half-marathon.

And so can you.

So can you.

Waddle on, friends.

Ready or Not

2010-02-12T20:35:00.003-06:00

I know, it's been a month since we last spoke. Here's what's happened since then...

...

Shoot, I was hoping the slow fade out and flashback montage would kick in there.

Okay, is too much, lemme sum up: My workouts faded out, to the point where I was just going to the gym once a week or so, and then doing a "long" day every Saturday. The longest distance I reached was 8 miles. (Actually, it was 7.5 miles. I can't lie to you, bloggy blog.) I also took part in the Christopher's Heart Charity 5K (for Team Curtis! W00t!), helped to raise a paltry $75 for research of childhood diseases, and succeeded in finishing a race--something I hadn't done since Halloween (remember the DNF? I do.). So seeing a finish line was a comfort.

And now here we are, WBB. I'm in a hotel room in Lake Jackson, TX, less than 12 hours away from the start of my first half-marathon (the first of many, I hope). I'm gonna nibble on a little chocolate, drink some milk, watch a half hour or so of a documentary on marathoners, and then spend 45 minutes stressing out on the exact angle my race number hangs, as i pin it to my shirt for tomorrow. Everything is laid out. Everything is ready. Except me, maybe.

People have been asking me for the last two weeks, "Are you ready?" Can I answer that? Dare I? Does anyone ever feel "ready" for their first long-distance race? It's like asking a first-time mom if she's ready to undergo childbirth. Ready or not, this baby is happening. "Ready" is running's version of the Loch Ness Monster. (No offense, Marshall.) People swear they've seen ready, but no one knows for sure.

Maybe this is just the pre-race nerves talking. Maybe I'll be "ready" for my next race. But I doubt it. "Ready" people aren't facing challenges they may not be able to handle. "Ready" people aren't pushing themselves to their limit and then a little bit beyond that. "Ready" people play it safe.

I'm not ready. But I'm doing this. Come hell or high tide (depending on how long I'm out there, heh).

John "The Penguin" Bingham's philosophy on his race-day goal is a simple one: "Finish the same day that you start." I love that. Because that's what it's about. I'm not out there to win any awards. The winners will be eating BBQ and on their way home by the time I come close to the tape. My small goal is just to finish the half in 5 hours or less, but if it takes more, that's okay. Because I'll be a finisher.

A finisher. That's something I've struggled with for a good part of my adult life. Finishing things well.

Tomorrow, I'm atoning for all the times I've given up and given in. The times I've sabotaged myself so that I wouldn't come close to greatness, lest I risk falling short and feeling pain or disappointment, or risk letting people down.

Tomorrow, a little piece of personal redemption hangs by a ribbon, waiting to be draped around my neck.

You can have your Olympics, your Super Bowls, your basketball championships. I just want to win the Battle of Stopping Short. I want to take hold of the prize that's due the man who finishes the race.

That's all the glory i need.

11 hours, 11 minutes away. Make a wish.

And as John the Penguin would say, "Waddle on, friends."

Still going, like a great big Energizer Bunny...

2010-01-11T13:00:00.002-06:00

Saturday morning, I woke up an hour later than I wanted to, and then spent almost a half-hour with my shoes on, debating with myself whether or not I would actually get up and out the door. I made it to the gym, and hit the track just before 10:30 a.m.

I walked for the next 2.5 hours. I would stop for a few seconds to stretch out a tight muscle, or to grab a couple swigs of G2 (low-cal Gatorade) at every "mile" mark.

56 laps. 7 miles. Another milestone.

I listened to music on and off. Sometimes, if I just wanted time to think, I'd pause the music and just listen to my own breathing. I prayed some, but it seemed forced, like I was using it to distract myself instead of letting it flow naturally. I need to figure out how that will work.

I spent some time imagining ("visualizing" sounds too New Agey) the final 0.1 of the half. What music could be playing? Will I try to sprint the last 500 feet, or will i be too shredded to do more than trudge? Will I cry? (Of course, I'll cry. I'll be a basket-case. Just thinking about it gets me all verklempt.)

One of the songs on my Shuffle that I love running to is Johnny Cash's cover of Soundgarden's "Rusty Cage." It's got a great, quick tempo that keeps my pace up, and Johnny's singing about how he's gonna break his rusty cage and run. Then there's this transition, about 1:20 in--a pause, followed by a key change and shift in tempo. Every time I hear it, I can't help but start sprinting (or the closest thing I can do to sprinting). It's like my own personal "Chariots of Fire" anthem. I don't know why, but it just touches some primal part of me as an athlete.

Here, see what i mean:

Trev's a Loser, God love him...

2010-01-06T17:30:00.002-06:00

Hey there, WBB readers! (I have faith there's someone out there reading.)

Check out my friend Trevor's blog/vlog about weight loss in 2010! Cheer him on!

Trevor is a Loser!

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Yadda Yadda Yadda...

2010-01-06T17:05:00.002-06:00

Man, once I stopped blogging on PBB, I got super blog-lazy, didn't I? That's okay, no one is reading this one anyway (yet).

Happy new year, non-existent future readers of the WBB (Waddling Bison blog)! Here's a recap of what's gone on in the last three weeks:

--I attempted a six-miler a week after my last post. Unfortunately, the night before, I didn't eat like an athlete, or someone attempting six miles the next morning. There's a saying that the Penguin says in his books--the problem with carbo-loading the night before a race is that you may have to off-load during the race. So, when I had to stop for a restroom break halfway through Mile 3, I lost time and momentum, and finished Miles 3 and 4 before calling it a day.

--Then came Christmas Week. No workouts.

--Then came New Years week. No workouts still.

--Laziness and lack of sleep abounded.

--I went on a College and Single Adult retreat with my church to Mo Ranch over New Years, and spent three days walking up and down hills, participating in rec-time events, and generally being sore. My leg muscles, my joints, and my back were all bitterly angry at me all weekend. I mean, i was London-tired. You probably don't know what that is. Feel free to ask me sometime. But it's dang tired.

And here we are again. The first two evenings of this work-week were spent with the very important tasks of writing out my goals and action plan for personal growth in the next year (of which health, fitness, and marathon-training are a key part, to be sure), and creating my January budget (so that financial fitness can be part of my life, too). I wanted to make sure I stopped putting those things off, so I gave them first priority. With them done, it's back to the gym, Johnny. (Who's Johnny? I don't know.)

I'm going to the gym in about fifteen minutes, but before I do, I wanted to check in, say hi, and touch on one other issue.

===

This blog used to be the "Big Loser Dave" blog, during my past attempts to lose weight alone and to try to be a contestant on The Biggest Loser. When I discovered an appreciation (it's not quite love yet) for distance-"woggling," I revamped this space to become the WBB. But my weight issue has been the shadow hanging over all this. A wiiiide shadow.

I still want this blog to be about running, training, and eventually getting healthy. But I want it to also be an encouragement to other waddling runners out there. So I want to be real about this part of my training, too, ya dig?

So I'm going to keep you posted on the weight-loss thing. I'm starting back on Weight Watchers point-counting tomorrow, in addition to the training. Hopefully, I can drop a couple dozen pounds at least in the next month before the big race. I think I read earlier this week in Runners World that every five pounds lost is an extra two seconds off your mile pace. That's a heckuva deal, Brownie. (Brownie? Who's got a brownie?)

Time to be honest. Time to own it.

This here bison weighed in yesterday at 488.0 pounds. That's a big ol' boy.

Time to outrun that fat kid and find a new, faster me.

5 Miles

2009-12-13T00:26:00.002-06:00

I'm a little stiff and sore from today's workout, five miles of walking (with a few bursts of jogging), in about an hour and 50 minutes. Not quite the pace I'd like, but that's not the point of these long days. Today was about finishing, and this was a victory I needed.

Before today, I had not attempted a long (for me) distance since the DNF. I had jumped on the elliptical a few times, and rocked out a couple of brisk miles a time or two. But today, I again had to confront the question of quitting head-on.

It happened realitively early, too. About a mile and a half into the walk, I started getting some inklings of doubt. Thoughts of what I'd rather be doing INSTEAD of what I was doing right then.

But I've learned a bit about myself in this process, and immediately banished the temptation to stop.

Then the thought popped up that I'm not going to be able to finish. But I realized (and argued to myself) that quitting now when I was just starting to get tired would mean that I'd ALWAYS quit. That I would KEEP quitting every time, and that I'd never EVER finish a race. If I was ever going to succeed, if I was ever going to finish, the battle had to be fought here, now, today, on this indoor track.

I had to decide today that I was a finisher.

Three miles down. Past the halfway point and feeling good. Starting to get tired, and a little tight around the hips. At one point, I stopped long enough to touch my toes, stretch out my calves a little, and flex my quads a little to keep them from knotting up.

And sometime during that fourth mile, I began to believe again. Began to really believe that I could do this. That I could become a distance athlete. I started remembering what it felt like to cross the 5K finish line, having gone the distance in previous races. And I started asking, "How much farther can I push myself this time?"

Then four miles were gone.

I had lost the use of my musical motivator back during the second mile. I keep forgetting to charge my iPod (one of those clip-on Shuffles), so the battery finally died today. For most of today's "run" (I'm gonna assume, dear reader, that when I use the word "run," you will understand that I mean the waddling, fast-walking gait I call my pace), all I could hear was my own ragged breath, the thud of my footfalls, and the sound of the other joggers approaching and then passing me. When I felt my steps slowing, I hummed a song to myself to make sure I kept my pace up. Unfortunately, the only useful melody I could remember was by Lady Gaga, but somehow between me and Gaga, I kept my legs pumping and one foot striking ahead of the other.

During the last mile, I had to focus on something other than my fatigue. Different people use different focal points: breathing, visualizing the finish line, observing the environment around them. Today, I started praying for each of my family members. I was able to get through all my immediately family during the last mile. I think I'll definitely use this technique in the future, because at the very least, it's a great chance to talk to God about what's going on, and focusing on something other than myself will definitely keep me from getting down on myself when I'm tired. Like I said, different things for different people, but that's what worked for me.

And then I was done. Five miles, straight through. The longest I've gone without stopping more than a few seconds. Even during the Turkey Trot, the roughly-five-miles was broken up by a couple of 10-20 minute breaks. This time, it was a continuous walk. And I finished with a feeling of accomplishment and renewed hope.

I know I have a lot to do between now and February 13. There are going to be a lot of long days and tough workouts. But today reminded me that I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. That's something I had forgotten.

Next Saturday? Six miles. And I believe I can do it.

Lessons Learned by Losing

2009-12-08T17:31:00.002-06:00

So, the DNF. Here's what I learned, following my unfinished Turkey Trot.

1) Sometimes, you have a bad running day. I always hear about this, but when other fitter runners describe this, I always imagine a "bad day" for them being only 6 miles instead of 10. Oh, boo hoo, Mr. 2% Body Fat. The fact is, every run for me is difficult, or at least strenuous. So I wasn't sure what to expect. But yeah, it was a bad day. After the initial adrenaline-fueled push, I crashed immediately. No power, no energy, no enjoyment. It was weird. I just ran out of gas as I approached the end of Mile 2. This is partly a lack of training, because let's be honest: I've been ridiculously lazy. But it was also a bad day.

2) I gave up on myself. Once the fatigue began to set in, so did the doubt. I had the spirit-killing thought, "I'm not going to make it. I'm not able to finish." Instead of destroying this thought, banishing it from my head, I allowed it to hang around, and it began to fester. As I trudged through another mile, and then another, the thought remained. It became part of my rhythm, just like my footfalls and breathing. I'm not gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it. I'm not prepared to finish. I'm not gonna make it.

I convinced myself that I couldn't do it. So I finally threw my hands up and gave up, about halfway through Mile 4. The medics on bikes and the cops in patrol cars had been shadowing me for about a half-hour. I finally said, "When we get to the corner, I'm done." We got there, passing a cheering group of volunteers who then realized that I wasn't continuing, so they turned and started packing up. The medic radioed to the sweeper van, who said they were close. So I waited. And waited. And waited. The van wasn't close, after all.

The shame of quitting became too great, as I saw the side-long looks of volunteers. Finally, I told the guys, "I'm gonna start going, tell the van to find me." The van finally caught up to me about 20 minutes later, another half-mile or more further. The van guy then couldn't get me back to the finish, due to construction, so I still had to hoof it a few more blocks. And then a quarter mile beyond that to my car.

So apparently, I could have finished. Not quickly, not easily, but I could have done it. I just didn't believe in myself enough to gut it out.

3) I actually wasn't prepared. I could have finished, yes, but much slower than I should at this point in my training. I've been lazy, I've been stupid, and I haven't been vigilant on my diet or fitness. And as I'm now nine or so weeks from a half-marathon, I'm...well, terrified. I don't know if I'll be physically prepared to participate in February. It's going to take more willpower and commitment than I have in me right now. My emotions and mindset has been all over the map lately, and I am worried that I'm not physically or mentally strong enough to really buckle down and train. (I recognize this is an excuse.)

I was planning on taking part in a five-mile Jingle Bell Run next Sunday, but I'm just not fast enough to do it, so I didn't sign up. I'm going to cover the distance on my own, or as close to it as I can. Next week, I'll give 6 miles another go, but I really have needed to make running a daily thing, and it hasn't been. I've grabbed on to every excuse possible, and all it's gotten me is that much closer to raceday with nothing to show for it.

As soon as I can finalize a work document tonight, I'm going to ignore the hunger pangs and go to the gym. 40 minutes on the track. No compromises.

(Even as I type that, I'm imagining just going home, eating something easy and bad, and just going to bed. This is the battle I'm fighting right now--how much I even want to try anymore.)

I'll keep you posted.

DNF

2009-11-27T19:19:00.003-06:00

Made it to around Mile 5, before I gave up and got in the sweeper van.

I'll talk about it later. Let's just say I wasn't prepared for the distance, I'm disappointed in myself, and I'll eventually find the good in this.

The Night Before

2009-11-25T21:45:00.002-06:00

Status: I'm sitting here, waiting for clothes to dry, digesting some Chinese (it's called carbo-loading, shut up).

I'm crossing the starting line in less than 11 hours. Beyond that line lay 6.2 miles of road. 10 kilometers. When I was little, I wrongly pronounced it "kill-o-meters." Out of the mouths of babes, huh?

I've hit the gym a few times in the last few weeks, but haven't found a rhythm. I've allowed my life and schedule to get erratic over the last few months, and it's been murder on my motivation and stamina for gym-time. So now, I'm staring down the barrel of 6+ miles when the furthest I've ever walked in a fitness setting is just over half that.

I'm what the Penguin would call "begging for injury." And probably "an idiot."

I never claimed to be bright--just stubborn.

===

I went to pick up my race packet today, a day early because I knew the crowd tomorrow would be larger than any I've dealt with up to this point. Stopped in at Luke's Locker on West Gray, cutting through a line of about a hundred people waiting to get into the Honeybaked Ham store. (Really, people? You can't figure out how to cook Thanksgiving yourself, or ask Momma or Nana to do it? That's sad.)

As I walked through the athletic store to the crowded back section where they were passing out race packets, I passed signs inviting people to "Meet _____ _____" (whose name now escapes me). A man of fifty-five or so stood alone next to a table of books. He was apparently an author who wrote novels (?) about running. He caught my eye and looked up hopefully, like a scruffy dog forlornly wagging his tail once at the sight of a new friend. I smiled and nodded as I passed. Poor guy.

I collected my packet and left, walking past the author who was offering someone a bookmark and asking them if they liked fiction. My heart ached for him in that moment. But I had to get on the road, and get to a meeting.

On the way out the door, one of the race volunteers asked me if I'd like to take part in a pie-eating contest. Now, I knew he meant nothing by it. But there was a moment where I was offended. I was thinking, "Dude, I'm fat, i know, but you see the race packet bag in my hands, don't you?!?" So I laughed, and said, "NO!!! Um, thanks anyway!" I saw their booth across the street. The contest was part of pre-raceday activities and fundraising for Sheltering Arms, the senior-citizens charity sponsoring the race. The thing is, non-runner Dave would have been too embarrassed to take part in such a thing. Runner-Dave now has less shame, but more sense. So, no, well-intentioned volunteer; keep your pie to yourself.

===

Contents of the Race-Packet Gift Bag:

--Race T-shirt. White. Good quality. I paid a couple of bucks extra to get a 2XL, which means I'm only slightly more likely to ever fit into it.
--A Myoplex vanilla nutrition shake.
--A Snickers Marathon nutriton bar. (My favorite, I love these!)
--An LED sensor nightlight from TXU energy.
--Flyers for local businesses (race sponsors), upcoming races, and a foot and ankle fitness/rehab center (HA!)
--Race info, race bib, and timing tag.

Not too shabby, Sheltering Arms Turkey Trot 10K.

===

I'm right now watching the Biggest Loser "Where Are They Now" special. Feeling really inspired. Particularly by Matt Hoover, the early-season winner who gained a lot of weight back. He's now working to get rid of it again, and the special followed him as he fought to complete the Kona Ironman. He was clearly the biggest racer out there, but he didn't give up. The heartbreaking thing is he missed the finisher cut-off time by less than four minutes. But he didn't give up. He said, "I know people look at me and think, he shouldn't be out here. But I don't care, I'm not giving up." And he finished the race. And that attitude is exactly how I feel. I know that tomorrow morning, I'll be the biggest person out there (by a buck fifty, minimum), and there will be people who will see me and think, what in the world is this joker doing here?

But you know what? I'm doing it anyway, because not only will it be good for me, but I know there will be that one guy out there, bigger than your typical runner, who will see me and think, "Shoot, if that fattie can do it, I'm gonna do it too, next time."

I run for that guy. For that girl. For myself.

===

Less than ten hours from right now. 6.2 miles. I'm worried. I'm a bit intimidated, to be honest.

But I'm not giving up.

See you on the other side of that finish.

11 Weeks Away

2009-11-17T10:27:00.002-06:00

I mapped out my training schedule, using John Bingham's "Walk-Half" program from Marathoning for Mortals. I'm 11 weeks from Surfside. Holy moses, that's close.

I'm also back on a more restricted meal plan, trying to eat better food and start dropping some weight. Which means I'm really irritable right now.

It's Tuesday. Biggest Loser Day. Inspiration. I need it.

There's your status update. Hungry, sleepy, freaked out, and feeling unprepared.

I have a 10K in 9 days. Maybe. We'll see how I'm feeling.

More in a day or two.

Week... I have no idea. We're gonna call it Week 0.

2009-11-02T18:19:00.002-06:00

Hello, WBB. You deserve an explanation. I've only got it in me to post a short one. Here goes.

I haven't sincerely trained since the end of September. A few half-hearted sessions in the gym. I also have not been vigilant about my diet. At all.

I'm feeling guilty and fed up. And I want to change.

===

I've completed two 5K races in the last 16 days. The first, on 10/17, was the Huntsville 5K/Half-Marathon sponsored by Hillcrest Ford and the Seven Hills Running Club. With such sponsor names, you would assume I'd be prepared for how hilly the course was. You'd be wrong. By Mile 0.30, I was sucking wind and hitting the rescue inhaler. The cold air was kicking up my asthma and the bronchial tubes in both lungs went on lockdown almost immediately. Thankfully, I was able to get regular breathing again. I finished the course in 1 hour, 4 minutes, and some seconds. Dead last, but successfully across the finish line without a coronary. (The fastest posted time that morning? 18 minutes flat. Crazy.)

The second 5K was this past Saturday, the Monster Mash 5K at the horse/dog racetrack a few miles away. The course wrapped through the parking lot, then through the side of the facility and an underground tunnel onto the field itself. The final mile was spent mostly on a gravel/dirt/mud walking track inside the oval, and then back through the tunnel and across the front of the grandstand and around the corner to the Winner's Circle. I clocked in at 1 hour 1 minute, and some seconds. I was 324th out of 328, successfully beating four women, one under 14, two in their thirties, and one in her sixties. (The fastest time for this one? A seventeen y-o boy finished in less than 16 minutes, posting a 4:57 minute-mile pace. SICK.)

The second race was fun because almost half of the competitors were in costume of some kind. I saw a Supergirl, a giant banana, a giant peanut, Dr. Seuss' Things 1 &2, and all manner of monsters, cowboys, and convicts.

===

The coolest thing about both races was confirming what i've been reading and hearing for months: the running community is predominantly made up of really cool, really nice people. I've been cheered on by so many runners, super-fit runners, people who look like they would have mocked me in high school. I got so much encouragement from people there that I couldn't help but start cheering on others myself (usually those who were so far ahead of me they had already doubled back around and were running back the way I came).

===

I'm back to it this week. There's a 10K on Thanksgiving; I want to try to participate in that. But while I can slog through a 5K without working for it, I don't think I'll be able to finish a 10K in any kind of useful time without training the whole time between now and then.

I haven't given up. Even during my month or so away, I never gave up, and I always felt the nagging feeling i needed to get back to it. But life interrupts. The best we can do is try to adjust.

I'm adjusting. And I'm back.

Week...what is this? Six? In which our hero realizes that Dr. Pepper's like bad medicine...

2009-08-25T16:57:00.003-05:00

...And not the kind of bad medicine he needs.

Howdy, gang.

Week Six. Well, I'd love to tell you that I'm losing a bunch of weight and able to run considerable distances. But I can't, because I'm not.

The whole fit lifestyle gig is a three-sliced pie, according to the Penguin. Those slices are Activity, Sleep, and Diet. Lately, I've been pretty okay on the activity tip--hitting the gym at least 3 times a week, more often 4, plus the last few weeks I've been adding a fifth day for softball. Sleep--well, let's not discuss that. Suffice to say, I don't get enough.

But the diet. See, here's the thing: I've been eating like a fat guy. Not like an athlete. And the needle on the scale (figuratively speaking--it'll be a year or more before a scale with a needle gauge does me any good), she hasn't moved. I've lost a total of about 5 pounds since starting this, according to the scale. This is frustrating, but there are some explanations.

Part of it is that I'm losing fat but gaining muscle, so it balances out weight-wise. But I'm no fool of a Took, so even I realize this is a very small part.

The real issue is that I have been eating like a horse (Clydesdale)--understandably so, since I'm doing a lot more activity, so I need more fuel. However, I haven't exactly been filling up with Supreme Unleaded with Techron, ya dig? And even after my messy public break-up with McDonalds, we still have been seeing each other on the DL. And I've been hitting up the Dr. on a regular basis--it's like, as soon as i started doing something good for myself, this old vice creeps up again.

If I'm gonna get anywhere with this, or have any chance of distance waggling, I need to lose weight, so I'm carrying less around for thirteen-point-one miles. It's well past time to get militant about the diet.

So this week (two days), I have been on point and on plan, like a good little Weight Watching soldier. Have I already dipped into my extra-points bank? Yes. (Post-softball-revelry is hard on a diet.) But I'm sticking with it. Although, I'm ravenous at the moment.

Hopefully, as this becomes comfortable again, I won't be hungry all the time. It usually takes a week or two to get over that initial "shock" to the system.

It's after five, so I've gotta go. Elliptical machines wait for no man.

"Dear Ron" Letter

2009-08-13T08:25:00.002-05:00

My dearest Micki D,

We've been together for...ever, really. As long as I can remember, you've been a part of my life. When I was a child, I used to beg my parents to let me go to your house, because lunch with you made me happy, and you always shared your toys.

As I grew, my appetite for your companionship grew as well. My love for you was super-sized, and your affect on me multiplied. Sometimes, in high school, my busy schedule with work and sports kept us from seeing each other so often, and the lack of companionship was as plain to see.

But with college, and especially in the early part of my post-college career, our relationship was renewed, and it deepened daily. I'd stop by and see you in the mornings on my way to work, and sometimes immediately after work, on my way home. You welcomed me at your window, and bestowed your paper-wrapped presents on me.

This affection we shared grew to a deep love, freely refilled day by day. And it's been great, Micki. Really. Believe me when I say, I'm lovin' it.

But something has happened to me. I've started making changes in my life. And I have to confess--I just don't think we can see each other anymore.

It's not you. You've been great. I just don't know if our relationship has been healthy for me. I know I'm the only one to blame in this; you never claimed to be anything but what you are, and I loved you for that. And lately, as you have emphasized your particular values, I have to confess that loving you has never been cheaper or easier.

However, in the last few months, sneaking off to see you has left me feeling guilty every time. I try to pretend I'm only an acquaintance, and sometimes even lie about our trysts. I can't do that anymore.

You've been great, Micki. Really. But my life is taking me down new roads. And you can't come with me this time.

I'm really sorry. But we're through. If we cross paths in the future, it's okay to wave, or say hi. But we can never be this close again.

Know that you will always have a quarter-pound of my heart.

Your special sauce,
Dave

P.S. If you see your sister Wendy, tell her I need to talk to her, okay?

Week 4--in which I start having panicky doubts about this whole process...

2009-08-12T16:35:00.000-05:00

It's funny how fragile this whole thing is. As stated, I took Friday off to get ready for the party, and Saturday off to recover from it. Sunday was my usual off-day, and Monday, rather than go work out, I decided to run some errands and get some other things done. By my logic, this would make it easier to get my gym time in.

Yesterday, I actually got home early, and worked from home for a couple of hours. As the clock approached five, I knew I had to get up, get dressed, and go. But I didn't want to.

Then I heard it. That soft voice that pulled at me like a siren's call. The voice of Fat Dave. Quitter Dave. Weak Dave. That voice said, "Stay home. You're too tired. Lie down on the couch and nap. You don't want to go outside in the heat."

I nearly fell for it. I even lay down on the couch for a few moments. I thought, "I'm hungry, I'm sleepy, I'm stressed out. I don't need this. I can stay home and vege out."

But then I heard another voice. A new voice, one I'm still not familiar with. Fit Dave. Finisher Dave. Strong Dave. That voice said, "You need to get up and go. You'll hate yourself if you don't. You've got a goal to reach, and you won't get there by laying around day after day. Get up. You'll feel better afterward."

I still wasn't sure if I could trust that second voice, but I got up and went to the gym. I did another elliptical session, 33 minutes, 2 miles. Felt like a lighter workout somehow. Worked up a good lather, though, so I felt good about that.

Here's the crazy thing. As I stumbled out the doors of the gym, across the parking lot toward my truck, under the fading dusk and the halogen glow, I felt like an athlete. I ignored the reality of my bouncing gut, my wobbly arms, my cankles, my bulbous and fatty knees, my double-wide backside. I was exhausted but I actually felt like I did back in high school, walking off a football field or basketball court. Winded, weary, but satisfied.

Turns out Fit Dave was right. I did feel good.

=====

This week, I've started second-guessing myself. I've started wondering what madness I experienced, signing up for a half-marathon. It seems like my walks are getting shorter, not longer. And I'm not losing any weight, which is frustrating as can be. (I'm pretty sure this has everything to do with diet, and that's an area I'm still really lazy in. I haven't "pointed" anything in a week or two.)

But the doubts are now creeping in. This is usually the time in any new fad of mine where my interest flags and I give up. Actually, for diet and fitness things, this is approaching one of the longest streaks of my post-collegiate life. The best I ever did was six months of militant Weight Watchers adherence, which got me a net loss of 60 pounds (lasting about 6 months after that point).

Don't get nervous, I'm not giving up. I'm in this for the long haul, and I hope by the grace of God to be typing here at this very site, a year from now, two, three even, and rejoice in the fact that I was able to accomplish so much.

I'm just documenting this first wave of self-doubt. Hopefully, in order to get it out of my system and move on.

=====

I'm going to set a doctor appointment soon, to get a quick mid-year check-up before really ramping up the training. Not looking forward to that. See, I promised him that the next time I saw him, I'd have lost 100 pounds, and if I hadn't, we'd seriously talk about weight-loss surgery. I shook on it with him. I don't want to go back, six months later, with only 20 (...16) pounds lost, talking all this noise about half-marathons. I want to be able to show him results. But on the other hand, I know I need to get his sign-off, to make myself feel better if nothing else. That would give me all the reassurance I need to press on into this, to get more intense about training, so that I can reach the very high but not out of reach goals I've set for myself.

=====

I'm starving. Seriously hungry. Time to grab some grub and then hit the track.

Why I want to do this.

2009-08-10T15:47:00.004-05:00

Below is a documentary about marathons. I'm watching it right now, and it just reinforces my desire to complete this.

Take 100 minutes and check it out.

"The Spirit of the Marathon"

Love/Hate Relationship.

2009-08-10T08:28:00.001-05:00

Confession.

2009-08-10T08:14:00.003-05:00

Friday night was "Guys Night," and six friends came over to my place. We watched movies, we played cards, we talked about chicks. Good times.

Unfortunate results of Guys Night:

1) I didn't go work out on Friday because I had to clean-ish my apartment in about an hour. (Clean-ish meaning, everything that didn't have an easily-accessible "place" went into the bedroom. Much of it is still there.)

2) Pizza. Breadsticks. Ice cream. Full-calorie soda. Leftover cookies the next day.

3) Guys Night didn't end until about 4:30 a.m. I woke up just before noon, and didn't go to the gym on Saturday either.

So, yeah. Stink.

Today is my optional cross-training day, but I may take this day to run some errands so they don't get underfoot when I get back to my normal schedule tomorrow.

At any rate, I felt I needed to confess it here. End of Week 3: first blown-off gym sessions. Won't be the last, I'm sure, but they won't be common either. As fun as Guys Night was, I felt uneasy with the lack of workouts. I honestly felt guilty about it, but not toward anyone else, just myself. Like I let myself down.

And I felt pretty ill the next day from all the pizza.

Fatigue--bad. Sleeping--good.

2009-08-07T09:50:00.003-05:00

This week has been tough. I went in Tuesday, feeling pretty good, ready to go. Finished the first mile well enough, under 20 minutes. However, once again, that second mile was instantly difficult. I was losing pace, and had to slow to a stop a few times. It was as if, while I was getting a quick drink of water between laps, someone had tied sandbags around my ankles. Every step became a labor. Ever lap felt like a mile. I knew that I'd hate myself if I didn't finish, so I struggled through, pace-be-cursed, and finished 2.25 miles. I felt like I had been jogging through a bog, and staggered downstairs and home.

Wednesday was a different problem. I held off from eating anything more than a protein bar (lesson learned, thanks), and waited for the gym to open back up after church. (We heathens who don't go to Wednesday service have to wait while the gym is closed from 6:15-8:00p.m.) Once I got up there and worked through my warm-up stretches (as normal, I thought), I started my brisk walk. About 1/4 mile in, I felt a weird twinge in the back of my left ankle. Not a muscle pull, but a ligament/tendon pain. Not good. I stopped almost immediately, walked a few light steps on it, and tried to get on a stationery bike, determined to get some kind of workout. Unsatisfied with how the bike was working out, I switched to an elliptical machine and set it to a "fat-burning" workout.

Holy. Moses. That was the most exhausting workout I've had in the last three weeks. I think I was even more tired than after the 3.5 mile day. It ended up being a cardio workout, with an avg heartrate of 140 or so. 33+ minutes, 550+ calories burned, and one very exhausted Dave later, I stumbled back to my car and headed home, stopping only to grab a 6-inch ham sub (what I call a "half-sandwich"), apples, and a drink for dinner. I was too tired to cook.

Yesterday, I was...wrecked. Not sore, though. Just weary. So I skipped church last night (shock!) just did a few loads of laundry before going to bed before 10 p.m. (amazement!)

Turns out, there's something to this whole "sleeping enough" thing. Got 7 hours or so, and felt pretty good this morning. I oughtta do this more often (sleep, not miss church).

No workouts tonight--gotta clean my house before hosting a party. Tomorrow, I haven't decided if I want to do a distance woggle again, or give the elliptical another go. Either way, I think I've decided what my "cross-training" option will be from here on, and may actually alternate between track-nights and cross-nights for a month or so, to try to shed some poundage a little more quickly.

I'm still struggling with the diet choices, though. It's like, as one area improves, another gets worse. And they kinda work together, which makes it inconvenient.

Pressing on. The end of Week 3 approaches. I'm starting to feel better, overall. Got a little more spring in my step, and my coworkers are starting to notice. Just wait until February, kids. You'll be amazed.

"Morning"

2009-08-03T15:36:00.000-05:00

Saturday's Mental Victory

2009-08-03T14:23:00.003-05:00

Week 2 was rocky. Tuesday night was fine; Wednesday, I worked in a noontime session at the gym. During this session, I shaved about 25 seconds off my 2-mile pace (still over 39 minutes). I got passed by a few grey-headed saints, which gave me a laugh and a dose of humility. I later passed a gentleman in his sixties, who was overweight and breathing heavily, walking hand-in-hand with his wife. I gave him a respectful nod as I passed.

The next two days were difficult. Rest on Thursday, and an attempted gym session Friday. However, I didn't give myself enough time to eat and digest on Friday, so after about 1/4 mile, I felt like I was going to be sick and had to stop. It was incredibly frustrating to miss a training day for something as stupid as not timing my dinner better.

Saturday morning came. I had planned to get up at 8... which became 9... which became 10. I didn't get to the gym until about 11:30, and didn't get checked in, stretched out, and on the track until almost noon.

I hit a good pace from the start, and kept it going for the first mile. I finished the mile in 19:10, which is huge for me. This is the fastest I've ever woggled (waddle-walk-jogged) a mile, and I was feeling really good about myself.

As I started into the second, however, I was hit with a wave of fatigue. The first Mile 2 lap around the 1/8 mile track was brutal. I just ran out of gas. I crossed the "line" (I use the overhead digital clock as my start/finish) with a 2:30+ lap pace, which would put me over a 20-minute mile. I started thinking of reasons to just stop. As I walked Lap 10 (Lap 2, Mile 2), I was feeling just beaten down. I wanted to just chalk it up to a bad day and finish early. It'd been a rough week, and I wanted to rest.

Oddly, as if to counter all this negative thinking, I began thinking about things The Penguin wrote in "No Need for Speed," a beginning running book I just finished. About how you should focus on being YOUR best, rather than THE best. At that point, common sense hit me like a volleyball to the face. "What do I care about speed right now? I'm not a racer. I don't need to worry about pace, I just need to finish!"

It was as if weights had been lifted off me. I don't have to set paces or win races. My goal, every time I work out, and down the road when I start participating in races, is just to finish. I'll save the pacing worries for the fleet of foot, and focus my flat-footed self on placing one in front of the other for as long or far as I have to.

So I kept at it. Finished 2 miles, dropped my chrome clicker-counter (what are they actually called?) in the basket, and decided to add a half-mile walk as a cool-down, to extend my distance. Then, at the end of Lap 3, I got a crazy idea: after 2.5 miles (20 laps), it's only another 5 laps to finish a 5K distance (longer, technically). I thought, "Why not give it a try?"

So once I hit that fourth lap...I kept going. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. That's three miles. On the "last" lap, I started questioning my mental count, and really wished I had hung on to the clicker. So to be safe, I tacked on one more lap.

After just over an hour of woggling, I finished 26 laps, out of breath, parched, dead-legged. And proud.

I slowly walked downstairs, checked out, and staggered to my truck. Sitting there in the seat, waiting for the air conditioning to kick-in, I had a startling but pleasant realisation:

"Holy crap, I think I can actually DO this."

Inspiration

2009-08-03T14:02:00.003-05:00

Last season, on "The Biggest Loser," the contestants were asked to run a half-marathon. Almost all of them finished. Later, the four finalists were tasked with running a full marathon. All four of them finished. Even the older man with a host of medical problems finished.

I saw the pride in their faces, on the faces of their families. I saw the sense of accomplishment. I teared up when the middle-aged woman (who won the game) started crying when she said, "I can't believe it--I'm a marathon runner."

And as I sat on my couch watching these moments of victory, the seed was planted.

It seemed impossible to even consider, but deep down I knew I wanted that moment for myself.

Fast-forward to last month. My recent trip to the UK included a few days of touristy adventures, which included upwards of 10 miles of walking each day. I battled through it, and my legs were pretty much wrecked for nearly a week. But I survived. I got better. And it hit me--I can do more than I thought I was capable of doing.

Two weeks ago, as I listened to coworkers talk about signing up for the Chevron Houston Marathon, I thought, "why can't I do something like that sometime?" I began researching, and learned that while the Houston Marathon registration was closed, there was another marathon on the coast in February.

Before the doubts could creep in and talk me out of it, I signed up for the half-marathon.

Now I'm on the clock. February 13, 2010 is less than 7 months away. I have to go from essentially zero to half-marathon capability.

When I told coworkers, they were thrilled. When I told friends, they were encouraging. When I told my family, they were incredulous. Even now, their words of encouragement are glazed with a tone of "I still don't think you'll stick with this."

I can't blame them. I'm the king of the big-talkers and no-walkers. But this isn't tell, it's show. And what I'm gonna show will prove that my heart is in this.

Because for the first time since high school, I'm ready to push myself to my physical limits and really see what I can accomplish.

2009-08-03T13:49:00.000-05:00

This is not another failed start.

2009-08-03T13:00:00.000-05:00

I've started and stopped exercise and diet regimens a dozen times over the life of this blog.

That's all changing.

I'm tired of starting and stopping, trying and failing.

That's over.

This is the new dave. The new day.

I'm still not 100% on my diet. I'm getting there.

I'm still on track with my exercise. I'm getting better.

In six months, I'm going to participate in a half-marathon. Barring injury, I'll be doing a full marathon a year after that.

Welcome to the new blog. The Waddling Bison blog.

Who's ready to waddle with me?

A New Start: Day 3

2009-03-11T13:50:00.000-05:00

A new start, you ask? Whither Days 1 and 2, you ask?

I'll explain later. But I want to put SOMETHING down, so here it is.

On Monday, I went to the gym. Stretching. Two minutes on the elliptical, a mile on the recombitant bike, a walk around the 1/8th mile track to work out the pain in my foot, and then another two minutes or so on the elliptical.

Nothing special, but special enough to leave slow-release soreness on Tuesday.

On Tuesday, no work-out and some bad food choices.

Today, I caved and had Pop-tarts as a snack. And a big chocolate chip Jimmy John's cookie that a coworker gave me later. I'm going to the gym tonight.

ALSO: Tuesday's are going to be my weigh-in day, but I missed it yesterday, so here's my data:

Week 1 Starting Weight: 501.6 lbs.

Talk to you tomorrow.

Know your limits.

2008-03-12T17:40:00.000-05:00

Listen, Dave: Once you've started a new diet recommitment, be careful as you continue your Lenten one-day fasts. Try not to be too active, since you're not carbo-loading the night before anymore.

And for Pete's sake, don't get all gung-ho and add strenuous physical activity to the mix. Are you stupid or something?

...Yes. Yes, you are.

I'm back. No, really.

2008-03-10T15:38:00.000-05:00

Signing on again.

Starting Weight: 480.2 lbs.

Here we go.

Don't give up on me, loserblog.

2007-12-10T16:23:00.000-06:00

I'm not giving up on you.

I'm not losing weight. I've gained back what I'd lost, plus a few. But I will start again. Sometime in the next month. I'll jump on the January bandwagon and see if I can hang on longer than everyone else.

Don't give up on me, kid. I'm still here.

Week Si--errr, Seven Weigh-In: Get Back, JoJo

2007-10-23T10:41:00.000-05:00

Starting Weight: 477.4 lbs
Week 7 Weigh-in: 465.0 lbs
Weekly Gain: 0.4 lbs
Total Loss: 12.4 lbs

====

I took a week off and didn't weigh in. I used my birthday as an excuse. That was dumb.

So was eating too much birthday cake.

But in two weeks, I've gained less than half of a pound, which is a blessing. I think I may be starting to run out of these blessings, and I need to get my butt in gear.

Speaking of in gear, I rode my bike around my apartment complex for about ten minutes yesterday. Not a lot, but it was fun. And cold. I need to bundle up better.

I haven't been counting points. I know. I know. I'm gonna.

Part of the problem is that I didn't really go to the grocery store last week, with all the other stuff going on in the week. I didn't write out my October budget, so I didn't have the cash ready, so I didn't want to go, so I ended up eating out too much. And while I did make a few good choices, I made a lot of bad ones.

Anyway. Here I am. And hopefully tonight, I can get back to where I once belonged--losing 5-7 pounds a week and finally making some progress again.

Week 5 Weigh-in: Better Late than Never

2007-10-11T12:50:00.000-05:00

Starting Weight: 477.4 lbs
Week 5 Weigh-in: 464.6 lbs
Weekly Loss: 1.6 lbs
Total Loss: 12.8 lbs

===

It's Thursday, I know, I know.

Despite a half-hearted week, I lost a pound and a half (or, a pound plus the little I gained). And I have to confess, this week so far is the same thing. I'm only half-heartedly committed right now. I don't want to point, I don't want to count, I don't want to limit.

Right now, as I'm typing this, I'm eating a Snickers bar and drinking a verboten root beer. I pointed the bar but not the drink. This is what I'm talking about. Half-hearted.

I need a renaissance of commitment. And I find myself unwilling to do that before Monday. Cuz nobody but nobody wants to point their birthday cake.

Here we are, gang. My first real valley of decision, in this go-round of dieting. (I wanted to type "this last go-round," but right now, I don't have the confidence in myself to say this is the final countdown for me.) This is the point where I fell away earlier in the year. I received the diet with joy, but when the sun rose and scorched the earth, I withered because I had no roots.

So that's my prayer for the week. That this new approach to eating, this new lifestyle, will dig deep roots in me, and find the ground water down there to help it survive and thrive.

I'm tired to death of being a fat man.

(Happy Birthday, BigLoserDave. Give yourself a present this year. Make a change.)

BigLoserDave's Tip of the Week.

2007-10-05T15:05:00.000-05:00

Even if you're using the Weight Watchers' recipe for peanut butter cookies, if you eat the whole batch in the space of 3 days, it's still not good for you. Idiot.

"Biggest Loser" Commentary: Temptation Challenge

2007-10-02T12:57:00.000-05:00

Something I meant to talk about, from last week's show (Week 3):

First, seems like everyone had a low week. The initial huge losses are now being followed by a small loss. It's easy to get disheartened. I'm going through it too. (Though obviously, I was doing other stuff that caused my gain.) But it's a good thing to remember. Even people who put up big numbers on a regular basis have small weeks.

So, the Blue Team made a couple of really bad decisions last week. First, they voted off Jerry. Dumb, dumb, dumb. He was the one who'd lost the most weight, and who'd been a true team captain. My prediction is that they are now going to be less focused, and there will be more in-fighting.

The bigger mistake last week involved the "Temptation" challenge. Basically, they were sent one-by-one into a room with a bunch of really deliciously-looking forbidden food, where they had to stay for 4 minutes before leaving. They were told that the person who consumed the most calories would get a 3-lb pass to add to their weight loss at the upcoming weigh-in.

There was some miscommunication, and two Blue Team members ended up indulging in the food, each consuming over a thousand calories in the space of that four minutes. The "winner" of the challenge ate almost 1900 calories. (Turns out, she would have lost the most weight on her team, even without it.) And with all the talk of "for the team," I couldn't help but recognize the greedy look in their eyes. I've worn that look myself, I'm sure, countless times. And I lost sympathy for them in that moment. I almost felt like they were transgressing, in a sense. Betraying their mission.

Here's my question: If I'm on a show where losing weight and learning to eat right is the goal, why the heck would I jeopardize this progress by pigging out "for the sake of the team"? If I had to go into that room, I would have grabbed a chair as far away from the food as possible to wait out my required time.

That's the kind of tenacity I would have to have. Or, do have to have. I didn't have it this weekend, and I'm furious with myself about it. These have to be lifestyle choices, decisions that I keep having to make every day, because it's the smart thing to do and it's what's best for me.

Temptations are going to come, on this diet. But I can't make excuses about how it's "okay" this time or that time. I can't get in the habit of justifying pigging out. Because all it does is set me back and weaken my slowly strengthening resolve.

So yeah, that's the craziness that transpired last week. I'll give you an update tomorrow with my thoughts on tonight's new episode (at 7:30 CST, if you want to watch with me).

Week 4 Weigh-in: Slipping but not Sliding.

2007-10-02T12:45:00.000-05:00

Starting Weight: 477.4 lbs
Week 4 Weigh-in: 466.2 lbs
Weekly Loss: -0.6 lbs
Total Loss: 11.2 lbs

=====

Yeah, I gained back a half-pound this week, but considering how I know I was eating, that half-pound is a mercy.

I spent most of this past week at my parents' house, taking care of siblings and keeping everything together while the folks took a much-needed weekend vacation. As such, I was cooking for (or buying meals out for) not only myself, but my sibs. My folks also keep a lot of snack foods in the house. While they did provide me with good options, the bad ones were right there beside them. When the good stuff ran out, I just kept on with the bad. And so it goes.

Really, if we're being honest, the half-pound gain is really a 6-pound or so gain, since I lost any ground I would have made up this week, too. Thinking about it that way makes me a little more frustrated.

Not only that, but I slipped into my old eating habits. I was always munching on something (or, in some cases, a lot of somethings), and not stopping myself. At least at work, it's easier (believe it or not) because there are constant distractions. There's work. That keeps me occupied. At "home," I had nothing to distract me, and I kept snacking as I sat and watched TV or played video games.

I think I'm running into the dichotomy of "diet vs. lifestyle change." I have been treating this exercise like a diet that I will go on and then go off. But it has to be more. It has to be a conscious change in how I live, from now on. So that's the goal now, to make that change permanent. That's why the up-and-down inconsistent food intake I've been dealing with has been so problematic. I can't live like that. I need to find a good "food" rhythm so that I can make these changes part of how I live, instead of something I'm just doing for a while.

So here we are. Some ground lost (or pound gained, if you like.) I slipped, but didn't slide. We're back up. I'm hitting the grocery store tonight to restock my house with good things, and we're back in the game.

Week 3 Update: Bacon is baaaaad.

2007-09-24T09:35:00.000-05:00

Starting Weight: 477.4 lbs
Week 3 Weigh-in: 465.6 lbs
Weekly Loss: 5.5 lbs
Total Loss: 11.8 lbs

====

Another five and a half gone. You'd think I'd be a little more excited about this than I am. I don't know. I don't think I'll actually start getting "excited" until there are visible changes, which probably won't be for another month at this rate.

(Speaking of visible changes, I need to get a haircut. Wakka wakka wakka. Nevermind.)

I have a few concerns at this point. One is that I may be undereating. Ha ha, yeah, I know, right? But I've been hit with some really serious hunger pains this week, as well as the occassional weakness issues (similar to when I've fasted). I wonder if I should take the slower-loss approach the WW website recommends, and eat all of the points I'm allotted, including the bonus bank of points each week. I've gotten scolded twice by the website for losing weight too fast.

Yet, when you're as big as I am, you can't afford to do this 2 pounds a week business. It will take forever, and I don't want it to. I want to get healthy as soon as I possibly can, and while I'm obviously not starving myself, I'm probably not eating quite as much as I'm allowed some days. I don't know. It's a balancing act. I don't want to commit to this half-way. If I'm gonna do it, then I'm gonna really do it, you know? No more messing around; my health is too important now.

I did okay this week. Went over a few days, but if I was going to go over, I tried to pick better things to go over with. This is where shopping wisely is paramount. If you don't have crap on hand, you won't eat crap. Kind of makes sense. I left about 15 points in the bank. As I said, not sure if that was good or not.

As for the title: bacon is pretty bad for me, one of the fattiest meats. But I had a package of center-cut bacon in the fridge, so I decided to fry it up and split it with my dad, who was over that night. That way, I'm only eating half of it. I mixed mine with eggs and cheese, and spooned the scrambled goodness in some half-pitas with a little bit of honey mustard. Tasty.

However, that bacon sat on my stomach like a brick all night, and into the next day. And I said to myself, "Self--bacon does not agree with your digestion. Stay away from bacon." And I said, "You know what, self? That's an astute observation. You know, you're a pretty sharp cat." And I said, "Why thank you, self. I appreciate that coming from someone with such distinguished taste." And I replied, blushing, "Oh, go on, now you're just being flattering." But I retorted, "No, self, I am quite sincere. You're a pretty righteous dude, and it's a privilege to know you." And I smiled winningly and responded, "Believe me, self, the privilege is mine." And so on and so forth for a half-hour longer.

So what have we learned this week? I'm alarmingly self-assured. And bacon is bad.

Weekly goals: Aside from the usual stuff, I need to work on incorporating more activity into my day. I only got to the gym once this past week, for a 25 minute cardio session. I need to make this more of a habit. Of course, this week will be difficult, since I'm house-and-sister-sitting for the folks for half the week. But hopefully I can take advantage of that great track around my parent's house called a...what was it? ... Oh yeah, "sidewalk."

Okay then. I'll keep you posted. Happy eating, but no bacon.

Week 2(ish) Weigh-In.

2007-09-17T12:28:00.000-05:00

Starting Weight: 477.4 lbs
Week 2 Weigh-in: 471.1 lbs
Weekly Loss: 6.3 lbs
Total Loss: 6.3 lbs

I started "pointing" last Tuesday, so this is really a 6-day total, but I wanted to get on the board.

What's sad is the fact that I'm a little disappointed by this. On Friday, my loss was over 8 pounds, and somehow between then and now, I gained back a pound and a half. ("Somehow"--like I don't already know.)

Fact is, my first falter was this weekend, a whole five days into the process. Weekend transgressions include: 1 pint of chocolate milk; 1 pint of chocolate ice cream; 1 full-cal Cafe Mocha from Starbucks; 1 chocolate donut from Starbucks. All the striving and careful eating that took place (including carefully chosen meals at Chili's, Chipotle, and Freebird's!) were nearly undone by the dreaded sweets. Hard habits to break.

I went to the grocery store on Saturday. Stocked up on "the good stuff" and avoided buying the bad (save for the choc-milk and ice cream). So I don't have any of the bad stuff in the house now.

I think I'm going to be okay. This first week was tough, but the first 2-3 weeks is always tough. Once I hit my stride, and start seeing some real results, I think I'll be all right.

(Yes, "real" results. To some of you folks, 6 pounds is a huge deal, but when I'm staring down the barrel of a sub-250 goal weight, it's just one small step on a long and winding road. "Boy, you're gonna carry that weight...")

Happy eating, friends and neighbors.

The new New Zero.

2007-09-17T11:09:00.000-05:00

Okay, I'm ready to recommit to this. I was wishy-washy for the past...seven months (?!) but now I'm on board.

So the new zero last Tuesday was: 477.4 pounds.

And we begin again. I'm back to "pointing food." I'm starting to be more active. I'll report all of this to you in this forum now, including some recaps and commentary on this season of "The Biggest Loser." I'll post on the premiere later today, or tomorrow morning.

But first, my first update.

The New Zero

2007-02-20T10:24:00.000-06:00

I've been afraid of posting, because I've been falling down, falling off the wagon. My diet attempts have stalled.

I got back on the scale today for only the second time in the last three or four weeks. I need to. It's time to.

So.

Weight: 452.8
Gain Since Last Weigh-In: 4.0 lbs.

So, 452.8 is the new "zero." And it's time to start again.

Update: Week 4

2007-01-31T08:51:00.000-06:00

We'll call this one "Good News, Bad News." As always, let's take the bad news first.

Weekly Weigh-in: 448.2
Weekly Weight Loss: -7.0 pounds
Total Weight Loss: a negligible 1.3 pounds

It's official. I'm back to square one.

I'm so incredibly frustrated. Yet at the same time, I'm not surprised. I guess I thought somewhere in the back of my head that I'd somehow get away with making bad choices, and still come out losing weight. But this just isn't the case. Bad choices equal bad results.

I'm past the point of simple self-chastisement. I'm downright angry with myself. Furious. I have been given a gift--life, health, and full functionality--and I'm wasting it. Throwing it away for the sake of chocolate milk and little chocolate donuts and cheeseburgers and pizza. It's not worth it.

This junk food, this sugar, it's not worth my life.

I need help. I need change.

And I realized today the one thing I have yet to do: turn to God for help. It's so obvious, I feel foolish for missing it.

Look, I don't know who's ever going to read this, or if you believe in God, but I do. And I believe that He loves me and cares about what's going on in my life. He cares about my health, and wants me to be healthy so that I can honor Him through how I manage this gift of life.

And I have reached the point yet again where I realize that I can't change who I am without His power and His strength to do so. I'm going to keep yo-yo-ing back and forth, making the same mistakes, because my heart isn't right.

So that's where I am now. Flat on my back, back where I started, finally realizing that I can't do this on my own anymore.

And now, the good news:

Yesterday morning, I worked out for the first time in months. I used the Biggest Loser video, my balance ball, and some hand weights. Since it had been a while for me, I figured, "what the heck? let's do the full 75-minute workout."

What's the first rule when you're restarting a fitness regimen? Don't overdo it on the first day.

I overdid it on the first day.

My quads and glutes want me dead. The muscles in my inner thighs want to torture me Jack-Bauer-style and THEN kill me. My upper body isn't as vehemently intent on my demise, but they could be swayed.

And the sad part is, I couldn't make it much further than halfway through the video.

So think of it this way: another unforeseen blessing of not making it to the TV show is that I am spared the embarrassment of passing out on the first day before everyone else does, and probably being voted off for not lasting all the way through any of the workouts.

Anyway. So there. Weight gain and frustration: Bad. Work-out pain and realization of need for divine assistance: Good.

Seven hours vs. five minutes.

2007-01-22T12:40:00.000-06:00

Subtitle: "I Really Wanna Be A Loser."

Yesterday, I got up much earlier than normal, showered and dressed, and drove the opposite direction down I-45, until I reached a gym. There I joined about 300 people in line ahead of me.

Yesterday morning, they were holding an open-call audition for "The Biggest Loser."

Being a participant (it feels weird calling it "contestant") on that show has been an idle dream of mine for a few years now. I've always thought that it would be an amazing experience, but I never really considered it a possibility. I always thought too much of my life would have to change, in order to make that happen. I was never willing to do what it took, make the sacrifices necessary, to do so.

Then, about two weeks ago, I found out that representatives of the show were coming here, to my town, to find contestants for the show. I knew I needed to try. It just seemed too perfect. My friends and coworkers cheered me on. My family encouraged me to give it a shot. So I took my hastily-taken photograph and my application, and stood in line.

It was a strange experience, standing in that line. First, it's odd to see so many overweight people in one place. One of the hallmarks of being obese is feeling singled out and ostracized. So there was a strange sense of community in the idea of 500 fat people all together at once.

On the other hand, when I walked up, I was instantly "sized up" (bad pun) by the people already in line. I could almost hear them calculating what I weighed and if they could "take me" as a contestant. Truth be told, I caught myself doing this very thing. The abstract camraderie of the moment was swallowed up in the understanding that we were all contestants competing for one, maybe two, slots on the program. Unlike the show itself, where your biggest competition is yourself, in this very first "round" of the game, we were up against each other. I wished I had brought friends or supporters, like some of the people in line. It felt a little lonely at first, before I started talking to the group of people in front of me.

Our little group became fast friends, though I can't remember but two of their names. We'd hold each others' place if someone needed to make a bathroom run. We encouraged each other. It was nice. However, we couldn't lose sight of the competitive undercurrent.

Some observations about the crowd:
1) I felt a little emboldened (wrong as it may be) by the fact that several of the largest people were pretty scary-looking. Not only fat, but just outright fugly. While "TBL" is a reality weight-loss show, the contestants aren't incredibly unattractive. They're "TV fat." I'd like to think I lean more toward the "TV fat guy" than the "scary cautionary tale" fat guy. Or the "half of my teeth missing" guy. Or the "half-balding stringy mullet" guy. I think my chances were a little better than them. That may be wrong to admit, and I don't deny their inherent value as people, but they ain't pretty. By a long stretch.
2) If you are in line to try out for a reality show about proper diet and exercise, because you ostensibly want to improve your health and life, does it make sense to a) smoke like a chimney while in line; b) once you get a bracelet guarenteeing an audition, go across the parking lot to Wendy's and get a big bag of fast food and a Frosty, to eat while in line at 10 in the morning? (On the other hand, after missing lunch to be in line at the audition, I got home and had a combination lunch-dinner that consisted of about 3/4 of a large pizza. And some breadsticks. So I'm a paragon of hypocrisy. But still, I didn't do it while standing in line.)
3) Dear mother of apparently-helpless 20-year-old girl who may or may not have some kind of medical condition I missed hearing about: It's okay the first time to offer the people around you a chance to say hello over the phone to your daughter who's sitting in the car in the adjacent parking lot. But NOT every time you call her, every twenty minutes, for seven hours. No one, but NO ONE, cares that much about someone else's kid, no matter how sick they are.

Okay, maybe it's the bitterness talking. But really.

So, from 7:15 to after 1:30, we wait and wait and wait. [Note: I accidentally typed "weight" the first time. heh.] Finally we are ushered in. We sit in groups of ten with the recruiter-type-girl. We introduce ourselves individually--name, age, hometown, how much weight we want to lose. Then she asks us a quick discussion question about why we want to participate in the show.

You know me. I like to talk. But I don't often like to interrupt, especially with strangers.

This only goes to show that, sometimes, politeness is fo' sucka's.

This nice young woman with whom I spoke while in line commandeered the conversation. Not maliciously, nor intentionally, I think. She just had lots to say. A few people piped up, often speaking over one another. I waited for an opening. Waited. Waited, and then I opened my mouth to speak, but--

"Time!"

And that was that. I nodded and smiled a lot, and said lots of affirming words like "Yeah" and "I agree." And in the end, that and my introduction were the whole of "the audition." Seven hours. Five minutes. Done.

The girl said they'd call people for callbacks over the next day and a half. By Wednesday, if we haven't heard back from them, we aren't getting pulled from the "Houston" group. She assured us we can certainly send in a video audition for this season, too, because they're picking people from videos as well as the open calls.

And that was that. I went home, ordered a pizza, watched football and a movie, and stared at my phone, trying to will it to ring.

No luck yet.

On Wednesday, I guess I'll decide if I want to put out the effort to make the video, if I want to get my hopes up again; or if I want to just accept the fact that if I'm gonna be a "loser," I'm gonna have to do it all on my lonesome.

I'm trying not to be bummed out, but I think I'm suffering from "American-Idol"-rejectitis. Thankfully, I was self-controlled enough to not tell anyone to "go back to England" or that they didn't know what they were talking about.

But seriously, I wish they'd call. Any second now.

Any second now.

Update: Week 3

2007-01-22T12:31:00.000-06:00

Weigh-In on Monday: 441.2 pounds
Weekly Loss: -3.8 pounds
Total Loss: 8.3 pounds

===

Yeah, a negative loss is a gain. Dang it.

It was a difficult week. I didn't Point my food pretty much all week, and I did a lot of stress-eating. Comfort food. Chocolate milk. Little chocolate donuts.

Plus, I had pizza yesterday. A lot of pizza. More than half of a pizza.

I'm having trouble committing to this, partly because I'm not sure what the next few months are going to hold. I'll explain shortly.

At any rate, this is a down day, and I'm trying to find my footing.

Dieting is hard. Discipline is hard. But the payoff will be worth it. Even if the "now" sucketh.

I'll close with a quote from that wise philosopher, Red Foreman: "Work is hard. That's why they call it 'work.' Otherwise, they'd call it...'happy fun time.' "

Update: Week 2

2007-01-17T09:47:00.000-06:00

Weigh-In on Tuesday: 437.4 lbs.
Weekly Loss: 4.6 lbs.
Total Loss: 12.1 lbs.

This, despite pigging out Monday with my family. I love big, thick cheeseburgers, and so I had one for lunch...and two for dinner. So my weekly loss would have been much higher. Shame on me.

I'm becoming reluctant to start pointing again. I haven't "pointed" in the last couple of days. This morning is no exception. I've probably consumed half of my daily ration. Stupid, Dave. But dang, this cafe mocha is good.

Peath out.

Update: Week 1 and following

2007-01-11T09:25:00.000-06:00

Weigh-in on Monday, January 8: 442.0
Weekly Loss: 7.5 pounds
Total Loss: 7.5 pounds

You know, this week has been hard for me, because I've been cheating on the diet quite a bit. I just got really hungry the past two days, and haven't had any good alternatives at home, so I've been eating bad things. Peanut butter sandwiches. Cap'n Crunch cereal. Part of the problem is that these bad options have been available to me.

So much of our lives, we struggle to make good choices, to embrace the good and healthy, to shun the bad and unhealthy. But if the bad we want to shun is within arms' reach, and it was our own weak wills that caused us to choose poorly in the first place, what makes us think that our will is now strong enough to choose the good?

While it doesn't make permanent behavioral change, in the short term it's better to remove that which tempts, until the will is strong enough to resist on its own.

So bye-bye Cap'n. And so long, sweet, tasty peanut butter. I love you, but you're holding me back. I've got a mission.

Confession: Last night I went to Taco Cabana and had a Chicken Fajita Cabana bowl (that's right--rice, beans, sour cream, cheese, and the fried tortilla shell) and two large Dr. Pepper's. I woke up with heartburn, which I think is God's way of saying, "Dude, enough with the crappy food."

My hopes for next week's weigh-in are low, I'll admit. I'm gonna have to be pretty awesome diet-wise to show any losses, I think. But I'm also going to start the new workout in the next few days, so that should help. Okay, maybe I'll start it tonight. Yes, tonight. Before "Smallville." I love my Smallville.

I need to pick up a Weight Watchers cookbook, because I'm getting bored already, foodwise. I need some ideas.

Anyway. There's your update, non-existent readers. Giddyup.

The Weight-Gain-and-Loss Background of Big Loser Dave (Part 2)

2007-01-04T17:12:00.000-06:00

471. Almost a quarter-ton. My only concept of being that heavy involved things like the guys on daytime TV who can't get out of bed, and haven't bathed in weeks. That couldn't be me.

I realized that if I didn't make some serious changes, I wouldn't last ten more years. So, at 25, I decided to make a difference to save my own life. So, I committed to Weight Watchers, got serious, and by last May, had lost 60 pounds. 60. Over a tenth of my body weight. Just by making diet changes, not with exercise. I really didn't exercise at all.

But as always happens, life interrupts momentum. I went on vacation in June, a two-week roadtrip that involved visiting with loved ones and friends, seeing my beloved Cubs play twice (both losses, as you'd expect), and driving back the final 1500 miles or so on my own, just me and my truck on highways and towns that I'd never seen before. I decided to let myself have a vacation from the diet, too. To not worry about counting "points," to go ahead and have that slice of pie with my patty melt. It was nice. It was freeing. It was fun.

It was the worst decision I made in 2006--and I had made a few doozies.

When I got back to the "real world," I had gained13 pounds. I freaked out, worked extra hard, and lost it in two weeks.

Then, inexplicably, I stopped caring. I could probably pin the blame on a friend who was dieting with me, who had to stop when she found out she was pregnant. It's hard to diet with a friend, harder still to do it alone. But I can't blame her. I made the choices. I was lazy. I chewed the food, and swallowed it.

[If you don't get anything else from this blog, get this: I believe from the crown of my head to the bottom of my toes, that my being fat is a result of bad choices. Not genetics, not environment, not hormones, not advertisers. I will not be made a victim by my own weight. I did this, and I'm going to work hard to fix it. It's all about personal choice and responsibility, folks.]

So I gave up. I gave up on a diet that worked wonders for me. Seriously, everyone under the sun commented on how great I looked when I lost all the weight. I was still fat, mind you; but I was noticeably less fat than before. Sure, the diet was a pain in the butt at first, but I got used to it. I became disciplined for a while.

And just like that, discipline was thrown out the window.

In the last few months, I've felt more disgusting. My clothes are starting to feel tight again. I can tell I've gained weight. This frustrates me to no end.

So I'm left with two choices: I can get depressed and give up.

Or, I can work like heck to get back on track, and take back my life.

There's only one right choice: to break down and admit that I need to change, and now.

So this January, like millions of other Americans, I decided to make the change. UNlike many of my fellow Americans, I know I can accomplish this. I've done it before.

I got back on the scale this week. 449. I gained 38 pounds since July.

Okay then. Let's get to it.

Wanna see where I am, starting out? Shield your eyes, ye faint of heart:

Not flattering, I know. But it's not supposed to be.

Don't worry, I won't do that to you often on this blog. I'm pretty sure it would break some sort of international "crimes against humanity" statute or something.

So here we are. Day 3 of the new diet. I'm already starting to fold. But I'm gonna keep trying.

If you're game, you can take the journey with me.

God bless.

The Weight-Gain-and-Loss Background on Big Loser Dave (Part 1)

2007-01-04T16:51:00.000-06:00

I've been a little oversized all my life. Check that: I started out "a little oversized." I've contributed to that, since then.

I never was very active, growing up. I played with the other kids. Baseball with the YMCA in grade school--the kind where everyone gets a trophy. Then I became very bookish for a few years, and didn't play sports with the other kids at school. That changed when my folks got me a basketball goal to hang over the garage, the Christmas of my seventh-grade year. That summer, I wore out that goal, played on it constantly.

As a result, I played basketball from 8th-12th grade. This isn't a terribly impressive accomplishment; I went to a small Christian school where, at 5'11', I was one of the taller kids and could make the team based on brute force and size alone.

I also played flag football, as a sort of conditioning regimen to prepare for basketball. Flag football is often regarded as a sissy-sport by many macho sportsdudes, but I don't think they take into account a few key points: 1) it involves a lot of running--A LOT; 2) anyone on offense is an eligible receiver, including the center (yours truly), so everyone is encouraged to have good hands and good yards-after-catch footwork; and 3) there are no protective pads involved, and there IS contact. Lots, if you play the game hard like we did.

Suffice to say, I played high school sports and kept in decent shape. I weighed in at a solid 250, but I carried it well. I wasn't buff, but I wasn't terribly fat either. I was just stocky. Solid. A little slow-footed, but I made up for it as I could.

In college, I played two seasons of intramural hoops with my buddies, but never anything serious. There certainly were no 6 a.m. practices five days a week, like there were in high school.

And of course, in college, I gained weight eating on the meal plan, like so many other college freshman do. But instead of the "Freshman 15," I gained the Freshman 50. Lucky Charms cereal and glasses of chocolate milk became a staple of every single meal. My diet was very meat-and-bread-focused, with few vegetables beyond what they could fit into an omelette.

By the time I finished college, I had gained another 50 pounds, to put me at a non-buff, more-than-just-stocky 350. I was big. A big dude.

In the first year post-college, I had two personal setbacks that I won't get into here. Suffice it to say, I turned to food for comfort. I lacked self-control. I made bad choices. And over the next year or so, I gained yet another 100 pounds.

I didn't know how much I actually weighed. The scales at the doctor's office only go up to 375, and I had long ago beaten those weak things.

I commuted to work downtown, a stressful 90 minutes each way. Invariably, on the way into work, I would stop by McDonalds for a sausage McMuffin, or I'd swing by the convenience store for a package of chocolate donuts and a pint of chocolate milk (an addiction I'm still struggling to beat). On the way home, I'd sometimes hit up Mickey-D's again for two double-cheeseburgers (no pickles) and a large Dr. Pepper.

My eating habits at home were no better than my habits before, during, and after work. I liked pizza. And ice cream. And cake. Especially cake.

My blood pressure was high, I was on the fast track to diabetes, my cholesterol was probably getting pretty gross. I say probably because I wasn't sure. I'm still not. It's been a while, and honestly, I'm afraid.

I made small changes, to "get active," but they never really addressed the problem. The little bit of walking I did was made up for by more bad food habits. (Hamburger Helper is a bad name; it should be called Heartattack Helper, or Hamburger Killer.)

Last Christmas, I had had enough. I bought a scale online that could go up to 550 pounds. I was going to make a positive change.

On January 5, I started Weight Watchers. I weighed in for the first time in years--weighed in for real.

471 pounds. I couldn't believe it. But it was what it was, and it was up to me to change.

Why, Dave, why?!?

2007-01-02T14:12:00.000-06:00

I'm a blogger, which means I'm irrepressibly narcissistic. So when it comes to the minutiae of my life, it only makes sense to share it. That includes my constant battle with weight and weight loss.

More posts later, including some background on me, but let this suffice for now: I'm extremely overweight. "Morbidly obese." And I need to change. God-willing, this year, I will change. And I'm bringing you along for the ride with me.

More later. Pleasant snacking.