Monday, February 28, 2011

Week 8, Day 1 Weigh-in: Better.

Week 8 Results
Starting Weight: 504.0 pounds
Previous Weight: 494.6 pounds
Current Weight: 490.2 pounds
Weight Change: -4.4 pounds
Total Weight Loss: 13.8 pounds


This is better.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Week 7: Shame.


I've been avoiding you, because I fell off the wagon. Fell hard. I got caught up in personal stress and emotional unsteadiness, and true-to-form, I ate. I put away the food journal, and I just went off the tracks.

I even went to a pizza buffet. I know. I can't believe it myself.

I had a brief moment of clarity during the pizza romp, though. There, during Plate #2, I was scarfing a slice of meatlover's pizza when I heard a quiet voice in my head saying, "Dave, this is what's killing you. This right here. This is killing you."

I tried to ignore it, tried to keep enjoying the pizza, and the voice got louder.


"But I like it," I tried to argue. "It tastes good."

"Does it really?"

...And I realized--no. It tasted pretty awful. But I was mindlessly eating it because that's how I suppress pain and confusion and stress. That's how I medicate. The kick of the sugars hitting my bloodstream makes it all feel better, at least for a while.

I pushed the plate away, left the pizza parlour, and went off into the night.

But that didn't get me back on track. That took longer. That took human intervention.

I have a coworker whom I have treated poorly, because I always misinterpreted her attempts to show care as hatred. She refuses to baby me about anything, so I always saw her as an opponent or nemesis. But she's been a faithful friend, who's been honest and confrontational with me when others shied away.

Today, as I walked to my office door, she said, through the next doorway, "We need to talk."

Never a good thing. I always get that metallic adrenaline surge when i hear those words. So I went into her office, and she said, "You're not pointing your food, are you?"

No choice but to cop to it. No, I'm not.

We talked it out, and she begged me to get back on track. I needed that.

My pattern, friends, is to hide. To avoid people who hold me accountable. This is self-destructive, because I know I need this kind of support and challenge. But I run, because I'm afraid of letting people down and being a disappointment.

Don't let me run. If you care about me at all, don't let me hide.

If I don't post my weigh-in info each week, email me. Call me. Text me. Chase me down in public. Remind me that you won't stand by and let me hide in the shadows.

I hate writing this, because it honestly feels weak. But I am weak. I need help. Please help me.

Week 7 Weigh-in Results:
Starting Weight: 504.0 pounds
Previous Weight: 490.4 pounds
Current Weight: 494.6 pounds
Weight Change: +4.2 pounds
Total Weight Loss: 9.8 pounds

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Week 5, Day 2 Weigh-in: Not Really Super.

No change.

I had some momentum at my mid-week weigh-in, but I stumbled through the weekend, and ended up overdoing it on Saturday-Sunday. So.

No change. Still 490.4 (or .2, depending on how the scale is positioned). I'm trying to figure out how to place the scale properly, because my bathroom has slate floor (read: uneven), and where I place the scale affects what my weight reads. But I can't blame scale position for the lack of progress.

I've nailed down two big mistakes I keep making in my no-loss weeks:

1) Not filling out the food journal consistently. We've discussed this before.
2) Drinking calories.

Re: #2, last night after my Monday night Bible Study (a weekly commitment that seems to introduce more dangerous food into my apartment than anything else), I had a couple of two-liter bottles of full-cal soda in the fridge, one almost empty, the other more than half-full. I thought about leaving it, then pulled them out, dumped the almost empty one into the sink and opened the other one. Dr. Pepper--a big weakness of mine. I took one satisfied swig, may have even sighed audibly in satisfaction, then dumped the rest down the drain like an alcoholic trying to get clean. It can't be in my house. That's part of the reason I didn't lose any weight last week--I kept the soda in the house after Monday, and sucked it down throughout the week.

It's not just soda, though. Milk. Juice. I abuse these things, and consume liquid cals on a regular basis. A diet soda, with a Dr. Pepper refill here. A glass of milk to go with my peanut butter sandwich there. It's got to stop, because clearly it's not doing me any favors.

So let's try this for a week, kids: no-cal liquids only, with two exceptions: I have a low-cal Gatorade that I drink during workouts, because I sweat a lot and need to keep my salt levels right. And then I have a protein supplement drink after I work out. Beyond those? Water or no-cal soda only. No juices, no milk, and for goodness sake, no regular soda.

The more water I drink, the better i'll do, anyway.

I'll keep you posted.

Previous/Current Weight: 490.4 (+/-0.2) pounds.
Total Loss: 13.4 pounds

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Dave's a Loser, Too: Post-Workout Blahs (a Waddling Bison After Dark pro...

In which I talk about setting goals, feeling worn down, dealing with emotional lows, and not giving up.

My beard is very red.

I say "um," "uh," and "so" a LOT.

(Musical intro: "Basic Instructions" by Burlap to Cashmere)