Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Week 7: Shame.

Hey.

I've been avoiding you, because I fell off the wagon. Fell hard. I got caught up in personal stress and emotional unsteadiness, and true-to-form, I ate. I put away the food journal, and I just went off the tracks.

I even went to a pizza buffet. I know. I can't believe it myself.

I had a brief moment of clarity during the pizza romp, though. There, during Plate #2, I was scarfing a slice of meatlover's pizza when I heard a quiet voice in my head saying, "Dave, this is what's killing you. This right here. This is killing you."

I tried to ignore it, tried to keep enjoying the pizza, and the voice got louder.

"DAVE. THIS IS WHAT'S KILLING YOU."

"But I like it," I tried to argue. "It tastes good."

"Does it really?"

...And I realized--no. It tasted pretty awful. But I was mindlessly eating it because that's how I suppress pain and confusion and stress. That's how I medicate. The kick of the sugars hitting my bloodstream makes it all feel better, at least for a while.

I pushed the plate away, left the pizza parlour, and went off into the night.

But that didn't get me back on track. That took longer. That took human intervention.

I have a coworker whom I have treated poorly, because I always misinterpreted her attempts to show care as hatred. She refuses to baby me about anything, so I always saw her as an opponent or nemesis. But she's been a faithful friend, who's been honest and confrontational with me when others shied away.

Today, as I walked to my office door, she said, through the next doorway, "We need to talk."

Never a good thing. I always get that metallic adrenaline surge when i hear those words. So I went into her office, and she said, "You're not pointing your food, are you?"

No choice but to cop to it. No, I'm not.

We talked it out, and she begged me to get back on track. I needed that.

My pattern, friends, is to hide. To avoid people who hold me accountable. This is self-destructive, because I know I need this kind of support and challenge. But I run, because I'm afraid of letting people down and being a disappointment.

Don't let me run. If you care about me at all, don't let me hide.

If I don't post my weigh-in info each week, email me. Call me. Text me. Chase me down in public. Remind me that you won't stand by and let me hide in the shadows.

I hate writing this, because it honestly feels weak. But I am weak. I need help. Please help me.

Week 7 Weigh-in Results:
Starting Weight: 504.0 pounds
Previous Weight: 490.4 pounds
Current Weight: 494.6 pounds
Weight Change: +4.2 pounds
Total Weight Loss: 9.8 pounds

5 comments:

Jaimie said...

Yeah, I know you avoid. And I hate being avoided. So I've given up. I release you to your own demons!

Maybe I need accountability about my dislike of being avoided...

You're the only one who can fix this. I can't. It's good that you have more persevering people in your life than I, I guess? (Coming from the person who wrote 2 novels. Yeah. You got THAT person to give up.)

Jaimie said...

..... not that I think you can't do it. I know you can. I just don't think that I have anything to do with you doing it.

Amanda said...

Thanks for the words on my page!! I have fallen off on making my videos, but I am still moving along. I have lost 11 pounds so far, but I think I need to do a wordpress blog instead of Youtube because I'll be more likely to post.
This has been a hard week for me...I'm actually leaving for Oklahoma in a bit to head to my grandmother's funeral...Prayer appreciated.
Keep on track!!! Remember, Win each day! =)

Dave said...

Sorry to hear about your g'ma, Amanda. Peace and grace to you and the family.

Rachael said...

Dude, I was wondering what happened. It's been awhile since I've seen anything from you or Amanda. Everyone falls off the wagon. No one's perfect. I think the good thing is that you have that voice in your head telling you to think twice about what you're doing. I will definitely post something next time you don't post your weigh in. Even if you have fallen off the wagon still post it so it can be a visual for you. Let it serve as motivation for you, so that the next week you won't have to post a gain. Good luck this week. Remember, 6 days count those calories and do the food journal! Day 7 take a break! Good luck this week!