I've been avoiding you, because I fell off the wagon. Fell hard. I got caught up in personal stress and emotional unsteadiness, and true-to-form, I ate. I put away the food journal, and I just went off the tracks.
I even went to a pizza buffet. I know. I can't believe it myself.
I had a brief moment of clarity during the pizza romp, though. There, during Plate #2, I was scarfing a slice of meatlover's pizza when I heard a quiet voice in my head saying, "Dave, this is what's killing you. This right here. This is killing you."
I tried to ignore it, tried to keep enjoying the pizza, and the voice got louder.
"DAVE. THIS IS WHAT'S KILLING YOU."
"But I like it," I tried to argue. "It tastes good."
"Does it really?"
...And I realized--no. It tasted pretty awful. But I was mindlessly eating it because that's how I suppress pain and confusion and stress. That's how I medicate. The kick of the sugars hitting my bloodstream makes it all feel better, at least for a while.
I pushed the plate away, left the pizza parlour, and went off into the night.
But that didn't get me back on track. That took longer. That took human intervention.
I have a coworker whom I have treated poorly, because I always misinterpreted her attempts to show care as hatred. She refuses to baby me about anything, so I always saw her as an opponent or nemesis. But she's been a faithful friend, who's been honest and confrontational with me when others shied away.
Today, as I walked to my office door, she said, through the next doorway, "We need to talk."
Never a good thing. I always get that metallic adrenaline surge when i hear those words. So I went into her office, and she said, "You're not pointing your food, are you?"
No choice but to cop to it. No, I'm not.
We talked it out, and she begged me to get back on track. I needed that.
My pattern, friends, is to hide. To avoid people who hold me accountable. This is self-destructive, because I know I need this kind of support and challenge. But I run, because I'm afraid of letting people down and being a disappointment.
Don't let me run. If you care about me at all, don't let me hide.
If I don't post my weigh-in info each week, email me. Call me. Text me. Chase me down in public. Remind me that you won't stand by and let me hide in the shadows.
I hate writing this, because it honestly feels weak. But I am weak. I need help. Please help me.
Week 7 Weigh-in Results:
Starting Weight: 504.0 pounds
Previous Weight: 490.4 pounds
Current Weight: 494.6 pounds
Weight Change: +4.2 pounds
Total Weight Loss: 9.8 pounds